Appendix N Review: Black Colossus

Margaret Brundage knew how to sell the hell out of a cover

Returning now to Hyborea, Robert E. Howard's Black Colossus was published in the June 1933 issue of Weird Tales.

It begins, not with Conan, but with Shevatas, master-thief of Zamora (the land where Tower of the Elephant took place) who is exploring a sand-buried ruin of a city called Kuthchemes in the deep deserts south of Koth. By accident he awakens the undead sorcerer-king Thugra Khotan. The Liche-like Thugra, who oversaw horrific blood sacrifices in the name of Set, goes right back to trying to conquer the world. Now assuming the disguise of Natohk, the Veiled One. First on his list of conquests is the small kingdom of Khoraja, and its nubile princess Yasmela.

Tormenting and taunting Yasmela at night through his sorcery, the princess seeks solace in Mitra, the god of her Hyborean ancestors. Guided by a disembodied voice, she is directed to go out into the streets of her city alone at night and put her trust in the first man she meets.

The instructions are bizarre, but desperate for help, Yasmela does so, and so finally Conan of Cimmeria enters the story, who is currently employed as a mercenary.

After a negotiation that was equal parts paranoia and sexual tension, Conan is made commander of Khoraja's army, which then marches forth to meet the hordes of Natohk on the edge of the desert.

What follows is a titanic battle sequence that remarkably fits perfectly within a short story. Its incredible. There is humor, humanizing details for random grunts, and actual tactics that Conan employs to take advantage of the terrain. And rivers of blood, of course, because this is Conan after all.

Through heroic effort, Conan is able to win the field, but Yasmela is taken by Natohk back to Kuthchemes where he intends to take her for himself. Conan gives chase and confronts the sorcerer in his lair, and the way the story ends deserves to be discussed, so here's the recommendation before the SPOILERS start: Its a straightforward story that is deceptive in its simplicity. Its also a rip-roaring good time. Absolutely recommended.

SPOILERS

The fight with Thugra Khotan at the end is hilariously one-sided. The undead sorcerer postures and threatens with a giant black scorpion, but Conan kills him with a single blow by throwing his sword into his chest.

From there, he rescues Yasmela and wants to take her away from this horrid place, but she's the one who initiates the romantic encounter. Thugra had obviously intended to ravish her, but now Yasmela, who has been the actual protagonist of the story who got things moving (Conan has been merely reacting to situations thrown at him), decides that Conan has earned her embrace.

“No!” she gasped, clinging with convulsive strength as barbaric for the instant as he in her fear and passion. “I will not let you go! I am yours, by fire and steel and blood! You are mine! Back there, I belong to others – here I am mine – and yours! You shall not go!”

Here, in this ancient ruin, Yasmela is above any societal obligations befitting her rank and sex. Here, away from civilization, she is able to choose her sexual partners according to her own will, and she chooses Conan. A lot is conveyed about her character in these last few paragraphs when she is freed of the specter of Thugra's unholy lust.

The story caps off with Conan and Yasmela implied to have consensual sex in the chamber of the evil sorcerer-king that Conan just killed to prevent from raping her. That is the most Alpha Chad ending I think I've ever read. Its a wild ride. 

Appendix N Review: The Tower of the Elephant

In a rowdy section of the “City of Thieves” in sweltering Zamoria, a young Conan stalks the streets seeking adventure. In a tavern, he hears a Kothian slaver talking about a fabulously valuable jewel: the Heart of the Elephant, which sits in the mysterious Tower of the Elephant in the heart of the city. It is the treasure of the sorcerer Yara, and all who have tried to enter the tower have met with horrible death.

Desiring to be the first to succeed, Conan gets the information he desires from the fat slaver, tensions flare and in a brief tavern brawl, the slaver from Koth lies dead on the floor and the Cimmerian stalks toward the tower.

Sneaking into the tower, Conan finds another intruder, Taurus, the self-proclaimed “King of Thieves.” Deciding that two heads are better than one, the two join forces and infiltrate the sinister tower.

Cover art by José Ladrönn

Appearing in the March 1933 issue of Weird Tales, The Tower of the Elephant was published two months after The Scarlet Citadel. Here, Robert E. Howard takes a different approach to the first two Conan stories by going back to his barbarian hero's past. Years before taking the throne of Aquilonia, young Conan is a wandering thief in a foreign land that has barely heard of Cimmeria. For his part, Conan doesn't know what an elephant looks like either, aside from knowing it has a tail on its face. The perils within the Tower are suitably perilous, and the solutions are clever and exciting, particularly how Conan and Taurus deal with several deadly lions that guard the garden at the base of the tower.

Its a good story, and short. It hits all of Howard's strengths (action, tension, descriptions of the exotic, dark humor, etc) and while a little more straightforward than The Scarlet Citadel (which I think is a slightly better story) is still absolutely recommended and worth reading.

So go read it, because the next part is going to cover BIG spoilers.

I'm not joking.

Cover by Earl Norem

Still here? Don't say I didn't warn you.

This is the story where Conan meets a space alien. Yeah, that's plenty Weird Tales right there. Trapped inside the tower is an ancient, blind, green-skinned humanoid with a giant elephant's head. Yag-Kosha, or Yogha, as he calls himself (he uses both names), is from the distant planet Yag, and he was part of a group of exiles who flew to Earth on great wings. On Earth, the Yagians slowly died out, their wings atrophied to nothing and unable to leave, with Yag-Kosha the last survivor.

Having watched humans arise over centuries, he was eventually befriended by Yara, whom he taught many powerful secrets. Yara betrayed him, and imprisoned him, and now he sees Conan as a chance at escape. And revenge.

Art by Sanjulián

Naturally Conan is confused as hell, but his solution is to accept the situation as-is. Yag-Kosha is a funny-looking weirdo, but he's a nice guy, and clearly in misery. Conan's sympathy (and dislike of slavery) makes his decision for him. He'll help the elephant-man, even if it means losing out on the jewel.

As in The Scarlet Citadel, this crude kind of virtue is what sets Conan apart from later pastiches. When the chips are down, Conan actually does the right thing, as opposed to the profitable thing, even if the results don't go quite as he intended (doubly so when magic is involved). Conan always gives off the impression of a coiled spring ready to jump, but his decision-making process is what sets him up as a fully heroic character. The weirdness and violence he finds himself surrounded by is just icing on that cake.

Art by John Howe

Appendix N Review: The Scarlet Citadel

The Phoenix on the Sword was published in December of 1932, and was an immediate success for Robert E. Howard. The following month, January 1933, Weird Tales would publish the next Conan story: The Scarlet Citadel.

Conan, King of Aquilonia, is having a very bad day. His army was drawn into a trap and he himself is captured by a band of would-be usurpers: the traitorous ally Amalrus, the king of Koth, Strabonus, and Kothian sorcerer Tsotha-lanti. The first two want to kill him and be done with it, but Tostha wants to play with him before killing him because that's what evil sorcerers do.

Conan refuses an offer to let him abdicate, and Tsotha has him thrown into the dungeon of his bright red fortress (a scarlet citadel, if you will). Chained to a wall and facing down a giant snake, Conan escapes partly by luck, and wanders the dark recesses of the dungeon, encountering one of the sorcerer's horrific experiments after another.

Eventually he rescues another prisoner from a giant plant monster. The grateful man recovers and reveals himself as another sorcerer: Pelias, and old rival of Tsotha-lanti's who was imprisoned for a decade.

Conan, knowing that Aquilonia would be thrown into chaos, needs to get back in a hurry, but has no way of getting there. Pelias has a solution. He magics up a strange flying beast and tells Conan not to think too hard about where it came from. Conan reluctantly does, and it flies him back to his capital where the beatings commence.

The story segues into the chaos engulfing Aquilonia and how Conan's loyal retainers tried and failed to maintain order against a group of grasping nobles, and then a would-be usurper named Prince Arpello, who turns out to be an instant tyrant. Conan drops down onto a roof ready to go and after a very brief fight, grabs Arpello and throws him off the roof with a mighty heave, causing the usurper to smash on the stones below “like a mangled beetle.”

Sort of like A Song of Ice and Fire, only actually satisfying and not wasting your time with pages and pages of awkward sex and food descriptions.

But we're not done yet. We're going into SPOILER territory because the ending is really worth discussing.

Conan rallies his army for a pitched battle that deals with the mortal usurpers, and he runs down Tsotha-lanti on horseback and beheads the wizard.

Being a sorcerer, this doesn't stop him from trying to re-attach his body, but suddenly an eagle swoops down and carries the head off, laughing with Pelias' voice. The headless body takes off after it, and Conan is left wondering what the hell is wrong with wizards and their feuds and he just wants a drink.

Both here and in The Phoenix on the Sword, there are moments of dark comedy, and Howard delivers them exceptionally well. After the high tension of the entire story and the catharsis of the battles, dipping into screwball comedy doesn't hurt. It has to be deliberate comedy, since Conan's deadpan “I hate wizards” reaction is completely in character with a man used to dealing in concrete situations.

That said, The Scarlet Citadel features a similar plot to Conan's debut: King Conan has to deal with a plot to overthrow him. The solution involves stabbing many men. The execution is different. The fighting is larger scale and the Weirdness factor is ramped up dramatically. Tsotha-lanti's dungeon is a carnival of horrors, from plant monsters, invisible creepy things, a bloated monstrosity that weeps with a woman's voice, and deep pit leading down that feels wrong. The giant snake is mundane by comparison.

The Scarlet Citadel expands the scope of the Hyborean Age in every direction. Conflict is bigger, magic is stranger, and there's a bit of continuity discussing the “Mad Bard” Rinaldo from the first story.

Come for the badass fighting, stay for the weird magic. Its Robert E. Howard. Its Conan. Its a good time.

Appendix N Review: The Phoenix on the Sword

In December of 1932, Weird Tales Magazine, arguably the premier supernatural horror pulp of the 30s, published a story from a young but regular contributor to the magazine named Robert Ervin Howard. Howard had been appearing in Weird Tales since 1925, contributing a wide variety action stories, from the stern-faced Puritan hero Solomon Kane to more straightforward horror that was part of fellow Weird Tales contributor H. P. Lovecraft's mythos.

This story was Phoenix on the Sword, and it introduced the world to Conan of Cimmeria, barbarian conqueror, king, and indelible archetype.

Set in an ancient, antediluvian age before recorded history, a conspiracy to assassinate the new king of Aquilonia festers in the kingdom's heart. Ascalante, a disgraced noble and outlaw, has banded together a group of powerful men to topple the crown. Most unique among them is Thoth-Amon, a black-skinned exile from Stygia, formerly a powerful sorcerer, now enslaved by Ascalante as a henchman.

The new king, Conan, is miserable. He's a fighting man, a wanderer and adventurer now saddled with the responsibilities of rule. Despite his inconvenience, he is a fair ruler. He's lowered taxes, ensured that the people of Aquilonia aren't enslaved, and generally leaves people alone. But despite his benevolence, people like the bard Rinaldo sow discontent among the people. Conan's advisors have urged him to execute the rebellious poet, but Conan has resisted. He genuinely likes Rinaldo's skill, and is aware that killing him would make a martyr of him.

Meanwhile, Ascalante moves ahead. Conan's guards will be drawn away from his bedchamber at midnight, and the conspirators (including Rinaldo) will attack. He sends one of them, the fat rich fool Dion to his estate to prepare to become the new king, with Thoth-Amon to keep watch over him.

This leads to one of the funniest scenes in the book, where the Stygian tells the noble his history, how he had a ring that gave him phenomenal magic powers and what kind of status he enjoyed as a worshipper of Set. Dion, in his self-absorption, hasn't heard a word of it, only perking up when Thoth-Amon mentions his ring. By coincidence, it happens to be THE ring Thoth-Amon lost years ago. Comedic interlude over, the Stygian murders the hapless idiot, reclaims his treasure, and summons a demonic monster to murder Ascalante and anyone around him.

In the meantime, Conan dreams of a black stone temple and the tomb of the ancient sage Epemitreus, dead for several thousand years, but even in death an enemy of the dark god Set. The sage marks Conan's sword with a phoenix marking, a holy symbol of Aquilonia's patron god Mitra, and warns him that Set's power is still active in the world.

The stage is set for one hell of a battle.

As always, Howard has a genius for describing action sequences. There is a choreography that flows beautifully even as blood and brain matter are splattered across the walls. The characters are lightly sketched out, but Conan is immediately likable as a wise, experienced adventurer with a wry sense of humor. Thoth-Amon himself stands out as a great villain, even though he doesn't ever interact with Conan nor really act against him. He gets his ring back, begins his vengeance against Ascalante, and disappears from Howard's Conan stories. He would appear again in later pastiches by other authors, but here he's an intelligent, strong, admirable (well, for a villain at least), nuanced, clearly Black character who demands respect from the reader. In 1932.

*Disclaimer: I'm friends with the guy who edited the above edition of Phoenix on the Sword. He's a good guy. The cover artist is cool too.

The story itself is straightforward, almost simple in places, and was itself a re-work of a Kull the Conqueror story that didn't sell (Howard's other, less successful, Barbarian Hero). Yet the blueprint is right there: a heroic loner pitted against the hazards of civilization and eldritch sorcery.

It works, and it works well. Absolutely recommended.

“His horn is his life! Tear out the horn!”

1984 brought Conan, and Arnold, back to the big screen. The success of the movie made a sequel inevitable, but with a different director, writing team, tone and a PG rating as opposed to R, the follow up didn’t really go for a similar feel to the original. The end result was Conan the Destroyer, an altogether lighter film in the franchise that isn’t nearly as fondly remembered as the first one.

Plot
Our hero is summoned before a powerful queen to perform a task for her. He is to escort a princess on a coming-of-age quest to recover (steal) an ancient artifact. In return, he is promised that his (spoilers, yo) lost love will be restored to life. A party of adventurers ventures forth on an ADVENTURE! and there are of course, betrayals.

Characters
Conan: Still the main character, Arnold Schwarzenegger returns as the muscle-bound Hyborian Hero. True to the title, he destroys quite a few things, is still a thief and adventurer, but the film has a much less bleak attitude toward his character. Still, they reconnect to the first movie by having his entire motivation for the quest his desire to bring back the woman he loved. It’s a nice touch, and you get to see Conan in much more of a leadership position as he tells people what to do. He’s still very much a badass, punching out the SAME CAMEL from the first movie, and he gets to do a little comedy when we see Drunk Conan. “The promise I was kingdomed” indeed. I don’t know why, but I found Drunk Conan hilarious. Still the biggest badass in the film.

Malak: Tracey Walter plays Conan’s thieving sidekick this time around, and the character is a weak link in the movie. Subotai in the first one was a competent, fairly badass archer/thief in his own right. Malak, well, Malak’s there for straight up comic relief. He’s not strong, not brave, not wise, and not at all dexterous, so its really a question of why he’s around.

The Wizard/Akiro: Mako plays the only other returning character. Despite being on screen more in this one, he doesn’t say as much, though when he does the enjoyably hammy acting continues.

Princess Jehnna: A very young Olvia D’Abo, who’s done a lot of voice work, is the princess who’s job it is to go on a quest so that she can find a powerful artifact that will help resurrect the sleeping god Dagoth. She’s also to be sacrificed if she successfully returns, but that’s not part of the flyer she’s been given. She’s a princess, and has all of the standard cliché fantasy movie baggage that goes along with it, like being snooty and outraged when her authority is undermined, but she’s also a young girl on the cusp of puberty and is starting to think about stuff like “why do I have to be a virgin.” She kind of develops a crush on Conan, which gets a little awkward since she’s very, very, very jailbait in this movie.

Bombaata: Basketball legend Wilt “The Stilt” Chamberlain plays the evil Queen’s captain and the bodyguard of the princess. He’s sent on the quest to both make sure Jehnna makes it back alive so she can be sacrificed, but also that she stays a virgin. He’s a competent, big, warrior with a silly morning star that has a blade sticking out in addition to the spikes, and is pretty clearly trying to screw Conan over at every opportunity.

Zula: Grace Jones plays an Amazonian warrior/bandit woman that Conan frees on a trip into a town. Zula is just batshit insane in this movie. Frequently screaming her head off at enemies during/before a fight, there’s one point where she basically tilts (as in jousting) at Bombaata because he said “no” to her request to see Conan. He whittles her spear down to a nub and then she flying tackles him to the ground. The one part of the character that I don’t get is why she has a little fox tail thingy attached to her thong? Its never explained, never mentioned, and the only time its even pointed out is during a very brief musical tag when she comes up out of the water when they’re infiltrating a tower.

Queen Taramis: Sarah Douglas plays the evil queen devoted to bringing Dagoth back to life. She uses magic and trickery to convince Conan that she’s going to resurrect his lost love if he helps her out, but of course it’s a lie. Because she’s evil. Sexy evil.

Toth-Amon/Man Ape: Pat Roach (who was, among other things, the bald German mechanic in Raiders of the Lost Ark) plays the wizard from whom a jewel (the something something of Ahriman). He traps Conan in a room full of glass mirrors (fine so far) then has a bunch of red-cloaked images step out of the mirrors then walk around him, slowly merging into one figure (which is pretty cool) and then…lifts the cloak to reveal a really, really, really bad costume. There’s a fight scene, which has a bunch of wrestling moves thrown at Conan (which isn’t bad per se) but the costume is…I can’t even really describe how silly it looks.

Dagoth: According to IMDB, the guy in the rubber suit was none other than Andre the Giant. You would think this was awesome, but, well, when they finally do awaken Dagoth, he starts throwing a fit and killing dudes and lightning crashes in the sky, but the costume…just doesn’t look right for a Conan villain. It looks more suited to one of the kaiju that fight Godzilla, tearing up a cardboard Tokyo.

Visuals/Effects
Richard Fleischer was a hell of a prolific director from the 50s-80s, making films like the classic Tora! Tora! Tora!, Soylent Green, Doctor Doolittle, and, uh, Mandingo. And he’s certainly a competent director here. Scenes are interesting to look at, sets are nicely done, lighting is rather good and the fight scenes are great (rubber suit sections notwithstanding). It does lack the mood of the first movie though.

I’ve already discussed the not very impressive monster costumes, but in general the special effects are fine. There’s one part where a sorcerer turns into a smoky, misty dragon and flies over a lake to kidnap Jehnna. Its an animation, but you know what, I liked that scene.

Writing
Again, Robert E. Howard gets credit due for the original idea and hey, guess what? Marvel writers Roy Thomas & Gerry Conway teamed up again to tackle a barbarian movie script, but then a guy named Stanley Mann gets the full “screenplay” credit, so I’m assuming he came after and made changes to the original script. Dialog is usually pretty fun, the pace moves quite nicely, and the writers go a little more into the whole “grrr, magic bad” thing that Conan himself has going, but it doesn’t really have that underlying tension that the first movie had that made it feel epic.

Sound
Basil Poledouris returned for the score of this film and the rest of the paragraph may get a little confusing. The score for the Destroyer is overall not quite as iconic as the first film’s (but by no means terrible). However, the “Riders of Taramis” piece is, individually, my favorite piece in the franchise, and is very, very, very awesome.

Conclusion
Conan the Destroyer is not as glorious as the first one. Hell, I can even see why some people hate it. I, however, don’t hate it, because every now and then, the movie does deliver a great idea, camera trick funny line that makes it fun. For some reason, Drunk Conan made this movie for me. If you’re like me and have access to the “Franchise Edition” of Conan, then you might as well watch it. Its as easy as turning the disc over.

And for giggles, does anybody else remember this show? I hope so, since Conan fighting a guy who looks identical to Serpentor should just be a product of my fevered mind.

“Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.”

Fire and Ice was a fun barbarian movie, but how about the gold standard of barbarian movies, based on the iconic Robert E. Howard character? Its time for John Milius’s 1982 Conan the Barbarian, with a breakout role by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Besides, there has been a marked lack of snake cults here, and I aim to change that, by Crom!

Plot
Long ago in a time of violence and high ADVENTURE! (it even says so in the title card) a small village of Cimmerians is slaughtered by raiders and the children are sold into slavery. One boy survives to adulthood, growing up strong and eventually becoming a success in gladiatorial pit fighting before being freed. On his travels, he acquires an ancient sword, several allies and discovers that the man responsible for his family’s death is the leader of a powerful snake cult. A local king hires our hero to get his princess back from the clutches of the snake cult, and shucks howdy is there revenge to be had. Also, there’s a lot of breasts in this movie, just so you know.

CharactersConan: Our Hero is the Austrian-born governor, and you know what? He does a really great job of a grim-faced, stoic, brooding, glory-seeking badass. Sure there are some parts that don’t really make a lot of sense (like his whole brush with death in the middle of the film), but you know what? Conan’s the biggest badass of the film. He punches a camel out. He doesn’t really say all that much, but it’s the kind of character that when he does open his mouth to speak, its worth paying attention to. Conan also gets a lot of tail in this movie (at least thrice).

Subotai: Gerry Lopez plays a roguish thief who meets Conan pretty randomly. The become bros pretty quickly though, being in the same “shit out of luck” boat when they meet, and they take to thieving. Subotai’s a pretty good archer too.

Valeria: Sandahl Bergman is an independent thief and warrior woman that meets up with Conan on his first major heist. She’s a very valkyrie kind of woman, and a perfect love interest for Conan. She’s very fond of saying “do you want to live forever?” before heading into some reckless situation.

King Osric the Usurper: Veteran actor Max von Sydow plays an aged barbarian king who hires Conan to rescue his daughter. He also admires Conan’s moxie.

The Wizard: Mako (who’s done a LOT of voice work) plays the narrator and the crazy old hermit that Conan comes across on his travels. He’s a huge ham on screen and also provides useful information to our hero.

Thulsa Doom: James Earl Fargin Jones is the villain, except this time its not just his epic voice. Thulsa Doom is an ancient evil, a powerful sorcerer who, in the beginning hypnotizes Conan’s hot mom before beheading her in front of the kid. When we catch up with Thulsa later, he’s in charge of a snake cult that’s mind controlling people and doing other hidden naughty things. He’s even able to turn into a snake at one point, which just comes out of nowhere. He’s a badass villain with badass speeches and a mysterious origin and has some great lines about making Conan the way he is.

Rexor: Former NFL player Ben Davidson plays the hulking, right-hand-man of Thulsa Doom, a big, mean, bad dude.

Thorgrim: Sven Ole Thorsen plays Rexor’s buddy who swings around a giant mallet. Interesting thing is that Thorsen has been in a lot of movies seen here at RMWC, like The 13th Warrior, Predator, and notably as Tigris of Gaul in Gladiator. Fun fact.

Visuals/Effects
John Milius has a very good cinematic eye. The landscapes are bleak, foreboding and desolate, looking suitably barbaric and ancient. I never would’ve guessed it was filmed mostly in Spain. Costumes are dramatic, often over-the-top, but there is a grounding in reality. Things look like they make at least some sense, they’re just exaggerated. The special effects are generally practical, with not a whole lot in terms of flashy magic, although there is one scene where creatures from the spirit world try to take a body away that’s actually done quite nicely for the time.

Action scenes are where the movie really shines. Fights are brutal, well shot and individual moments are over quickly, since Conan is VERY GOOD at killing people. The climactic battle at the end of the movie is fantastic.

Writing
Robert E. Howard wrote the original pulp stories, John Milius and Oliver Stone (yes, THAT Oliver Stone) worked on the script adaptation. The story itself, while centered on one man’s thirst for revenge, has an epic feel that has a lot to do with the narrator’s dialog. Indeed, the whole movie takes itself rather seriously, playing all of the craziness completely straight. Of course Conan finds a wizard in the middle of nowhere. Why shouldn’t he? Of course Thulsa Doom can turn into a snake. Everyone in the Hyborian Age expects those kinds of things. It works in the movie’s favor to create that kind of atmosphere. As far as dialog in general, its fairly clipped (aside from Thulsa Doom’s eloquence) and is entirely appropriate for the movie.

Sound
Basil Poledouris delivers one of the most appropriate and epic scores for the movie. There are long stretches of not talking, and the score brings forward a moody, violent, but ADVENTURE! filled sound that is solid at all times. Its an outstanding soundtrack.

Conclusion
Conan the Barbarian is far better than any sword and sandals movie is really expected to be. Yes there are plenty of cheesy moments, but they’re also combined with a lot of badassitude and a willingness to look ridiculous in the name of giving the audience ADVENTURE! Conan’s journey from slave to revenge-seeking thief to legitimate hero is really well done. The movie is really well made and legitimately entertaining.

Bonus: Conan's the kind of guy who's got his priorities settled.