And so I'm back from outer space, and
you can tell by that sad look upon my face that you should've changed
that stupid lock and thrown away the—No. Wait. That's not right.
Where was I?
Oh yes. Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.
It's like a 1980s Troma movie, but shot on 1970s film stock, except
shot in the late 1990s in Ottawa, Ontario, and starring a few women
who look like Suicide Girls.
This
movie is WEIRD and
DUMB. But is it the
good kind of Weird and Dumb?
Story
Stop
me if you've heard this before, but a bunch of vampires, led by
Maxine Schreck (Murielle Varhelyi), Johnny Golgotha (Ian Driscoll)
and Dr. Praetorious (Josh Grace), are killing and harvesting Canadian
lesbians, so that they can wear their skin to gain immunity to
sunlight. The only thing standing in their way? Savior of mankind and
martial arts master Jesus of Nazareth (Phil Caracas) joined by his
allies Mary Magnum (Maria Moulton) and silver-masked Mexican wrestler
Santos Enmascardo de Plata (Jeff Moffet, and a nod to the actual El
Santo luchador/movie star/vampire fighter)
Visuals
This
was director Lee Demarbre's first feature length film, and it is
extremely aware of its own amateurishness. I don't just mean the film
quality. That's actually in its favor, since it really does remind me
of 70s and 80s B-movies where the night scenes are poorly lit and the
editing isn't quite as tight as it should be. The self-awareness
expresses itself in the fight scenes, which are obviously not done by
professional stunt people, but make up for it in goofiness. Jesus
fights some vampires on the beach. Jesus fights a clown car's worth
of Atheists in a public park who just showed up to pick a fight with
him for no reason. Jesus & Santos kill a bar full of vampires
with drumsticks, crutches, toothpicks and other improvised stakes.
Dr. Praetorious (another nod to old cinema) fights Jesus by
improvising organs as weapons.
Negatively,
the pacing of the movie is rather awful. It's only 85 minutes long
but so many scenes drag on much longer than necessary, particularly
the “Jesus shops at a thrift store for hip new clothes” scene
that wears out the gag really, really fast. The fight in the park
with the atheists I mentioned? Completely irrelevant to the plot. The
“Jesus Signal” scene transition? That gets old too.
Writing
Like
the directing, there's a lot of hit and miss in Ian Driscoll's
script. Some of the elements are great, and really show a deep love
for genre films of the past. The whole presence of Santos is really
funny, and not just because “haha, here's a luchador.” Johnny
Golgotha is an AMAZING name for a douchebag vampire and I am insanely
jealous. The crazy narrator-preacher that pops up randomly to rant at
the viewer through his awe inspiring beard? That's pretty great too
(and the best acting in the movie, at least... I hope it was acting).
Unfortunately, there's lots more jokes that fall flat, like the
running gag of someone grabbing the butt of Santos' appropriately
named Gloria Oddbottom.
Sound
Everything
is dubbed. Everything. A lot doesn't quite synch up with the lip
movements, which can be funny. The occasional *bonk* sound effect in
combat isn't very funny. The songs? Also not great.
Conclusion
Jesus
Christ Vampire Hunter
tries to walk a fine line between telling its own absurd
grindhouse-esque tale with a straight face but then constantly winks
at the camera that it knows its awful. It's shameless enthusiasm is
commendable, and speaking from experience, it is damn challenging to
make an intentionally cheesy film, so tremendous props for achieving
that. Yet as a comedy, it ultimately falls flat for its dearth of
good jokes. The concept is good fodder for absurdist humor, but it
doesn't quite deliver in a way that, say, Tongan
Ninja
does, a contemporary movie that it shares a LOT of similarities with.
Jesus Christ
Vampire Hunter
feels like it makes a much funnier trailer than feature.
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