Full disclosure: I was deeply skeptical
of the new Ghostbusters movie. The controversy, the trailers, the
leaked plot rumors (that turned out to be true), the previous failed
attempts to get Ghostbusters 3 off the ground where Bill Murray
allegedly shredded up a script and mailed it back to Dan Aykroyd. So
for at least ten years, the story behind making a new Ghostbusters
has been a shitshow, and before that, a pipe dream. The last time I
actually wanted to see a new real, live Ghostbusters movie was in
high school computer class back in 2001. I went into this skeptical
but hopeful that it would surprise me.
So why am I writing a review of a movie
I didn't really want to see for 15 years?
I had to know.
Not for the controversy, not because
somebody else recommended it. I had to know for myself.
Now I know.
Its a giant piece of dogshit that has
nothing to do with who has what kind of chromosomes.
First the setup. Have you ever seen
Ghostbusters? It follows the major story beats without taking much
time to set things up because this isn't a reboot of Ghostbusters.
It's a remake. For the uninitiated: some academics have crazy ideas
about researching the paranormal. They get kicked out by the faculty
for being crackpots. They go into business for themselves, hire a
secretary, investigate paranormal occurrences, have some rocky
starts, build technology to catch ghosts, hire a new employee,
successfully capture a ghost, attract the attention of a cranky
mayor, then find themselves the only thing that can stop a giant
supernatural threat that could destroy the city of New York.
All that's missing is the humor, the
scares, the buildup of a credible supernatural threat, chemistry
between the leads, character development that sticks, humor, any kind
of made-up rules for how you could use technology to capture ghosts,
any kind of a love interest plot that goes anywhere, quotable lines,
and humor.
But it does have poop jokes. And fart
jokes. And it steals a gag from Young Frankenstein. Oh, and there's a
queef joke. And a pointless cameo from Ozzy Osbourne. And its got
Bill Murray in a cameo where he looks dead inside.
And it devolves into a 20 minute action
sequence at the end with fight choreography and goofy weapons and
shooting the physical manifestation of their logo in the dick.
Our four leads are Erin Gilbert played
by Kristen Wiig, who was once big into paranormal investigation but
left it behind to become a real scientist and then loses her tenure
track when she reunites with her old collaborator/friend and flips
out after almost catching a ghost and her supervisor fires her. You
would think that would lead to conflict between the two, and in a
good script it would. Anyway, aside from playing the straight face of
the group, she just fades into the background in most scenes. Except
when she accidentally kills a man by releasing the only ghost they've
managed to catch and it throws him out a window to prove to him that
ghosts exist. See, its funny because its Bill Murray's cameo.
Yeah, that was a spoiler. I'm not
sorry.
Next is Abbey Yates, played by Melissa
McCarthy, who babbles incessantly. That's it. No realizing she
accidentally ruined her friend's academic career, no self-awareness,
no character development at all.
Abby has partnered up with Jillian
Holtzmann, played by Kate McKinnon. Her only purpose in the plot is
to be a mad scientist type who creates anti-ghost weaponry and
rattles off techno-jargon. So to fill time, she mugs for the camera
because there's nothing else to work with. She's one “Freunlaven”
away from turning into Mr. Director from Animaniacs.
And last is Patty Tolan, played by
Leslie Jones. She's an MTA employee with an encyclopedic knowledge of
the weird side of New York and the connections to get a vehicle for
the team. She's useful, resourceful, tough, and, remarkably enough,
the most believable, fleshed out and likable character in the entire
movie and actually has a character arc where she grows from when
she's introduced. The movie might even have been better if it was just Patty and Holtz getting into crazy shenanigans.
They hire Kevin Beckman, played by
Chris Hemsworth. Kevin's a narcissistic, airheaded idiot who is
miraculously still alive, but he's pretty and Erin has an immediate
crush on him, so he's hired. He gets close to some genuine comedy
because the character's such an oddball.
There's Rowan North played by Neil
Casey, who's the villain. He's creepy and wants to usher in the
Fourth Cataclysm (whatever that is) because he's...been bullied all
his life? Its stupid and then he kills himself and turns into a ghost
that can possess people and then he turns into a terrible CGI version
of the Ghostbusters Logo and gets shot in the ghost crotch before being sucked into a portal.
Oh, and there's Andy Garcia as the
mayor of New York who knows about ghosts and the supernatural, but
helps the Feds clamp down on it to prevent panic. I only mention him
because its Andy Garcia and he gets the only line that got a chuckle
out of me (which is the quote I used above).
So to sum up what's good about this
remake? Leslie Jones and some of the ghost effects. Annie Potts and
Ernie Hudson both had good cameos. I had hoped that the controversy
surrounding this movie would have at least been a lot of noise about
an average movie with a few yuks. The script is terrible, the
chemistry between the leads is absent, and there's absolutely zero
weight to anything going on in this movie.
Instead, it commits the two biggest
sins of comedy: Its boring, and its not funny.
The Star Wars Holiday Special of
Ghostbusters.
Avoid it if you can.
