The Last Jedi is a Big Pile of Badly Written Garbage and Here's Why

I was very close to reviewing The Last Jedi with a two word review and being done with it.

However, since there are people I know and love who enjoy this pile of badly written garbage, I feel a need to get into it a little bit more.

So here is a list of problems the movie has at the storytelling level. None of it has anything to do with “HURR DURR THERE'S WIMMEN AND MINORITREES IN IT AND DAT'S BAD BECAUSE I'M A WHITE MALE IN CURRENT YEAR.”

No. Star Wars was always diverse. Nobody cares that there are Space Asians and Space Hispanics and Space Blacks alongside Space Whites. You see anybody shit talking Lando? Hell no. That man gets respect wherever he goes.

For formality's sake, the entire list that follows is one big spoiler. That's your warning.

So here is a list of script problems with The Last Jedi

• Super Leia. Everything about that entire scene begs the question: WHY?
• Why was Admiral Ackbar, a cult favorite thanks to his meme, even in this if you're going to give him one line and unceremoniously blast him into space? I know his voice actor died, that's not a valid excuse.
• Why are there no familiar aliens besides a wookiee, a sullustan, and a mon calamari? Where are the Rodians? The Twi'leks? Why come up with all new background aliens when existing ones are completely absent?
• Why come up with new background aliens when none of them have any bearing on the plot whatsoever?
• Why even bother with having Nien Nunb around? And why does the mask/puppet look cheap and awful?
• Where are the alien characters? Every major speaking character is a human. In Star Wars. Snoke comes closest, but he's just a fugly looking near-human.
• Why is the main black guy an incompetent coward? Loveable coward is something doable, and Caiphas Cain in 40k pulls it off well, but here he's just a cowardly idiot pratfalling his way across the screen. Boyega has charisma that makes him watchable, but the subtext is borderline offensive, especially compared to badass black Star Wars characters like Mace Windu and the smoothest man in the galaxy, Lando Calrissian. The implications here are...“problematic,” as the Millenials like to say.
• Canto Bight. All of it. Arms dealers are bad, but they also provide arms to the good guys, so...?
• Finn is told he has to feel bad about how alien horses are being abused when he spent his entire life growing up as a child soldier with a serial number instead of a name? Rose, you don't know shit about having a hard life compared to that.
• Why is Finn so well-adjusted for being an escaped slave soldier?
• Why is Poe the only character who feels like he belongs in a Star Wars movie? Why does the movie spend its running time shitting on him for this?
• Why isn't Benicio Del Toro's character a cool alien design? It would probably be cheaper than hiring Del Toro.
• Why even bother with Snoke when you're going to kill him just as he's starting to get interesting?
• Why start your movie with a yo mama joke that completely undercuts any kind of menace or competence Hux might otherwise have? Even the most incompetent Imperial of the OT, Admiral Ozzel, wasn't reduced to a joke like that.
• Why didn't the First Order deploy starfighters immediately after entering the system at the beginning? That's standard procedure, and the captain of the “Fleet Killer” dreadnaught POINTS IT OUT.
• The Dreadnaught is remarkably undergunned for self-defense so that plot can happen.
• The Resistance Bombers are the most useless ships in the entire series, especially considering how bombs have worked throughout. But no, we need to have B-17's IN SPAAAAAACE.
• Paige's sacrifice at the beginning is elaborate and reasonably well done, but she's a character we have never met before and have no reason to care for her sacrifice aside from general pathos for the situation. Somebody we've never met before dies in battle and we're supposed to care....why?
• A-Wings. Why even have them if they do nothing?
• A-Wing squadron leader, the woman with the scarf, was criminally wasted. She had flashes of personality and flair and could have provided someone for Poe to bounce off/clash with on the chain of command in the subsequent power vacuum. And I'm not just bitter because she was prime waifu material.
• Why is there gritty realism about the horrors of war in a movie about space wizards with laser swords? That's not going to move toys off the shelves, you know. Priorities, people!
• “We can track them through hyperspace” is not a new idea. That's how they found the base on Yavin in the FIRST MOVIE FROM THE 70s!
• Why not use an Interdictor to prevent the Resistance Fleet from jumping to hyperspace to necessitate the chase instead? And Finn & Rose's mission would be to find a way to shutting down the gravity well projectors so they can get away? Minor tweaks could have salvaged that premise and make both factions look competent.  
• Why don't the stable kids speak Galactic Basic?
• Why didn't Admiral Tumblr Hair tell Poe that she has a plan? He repeatedly asked for orders and was stonewalled by Admiral Tumblr Hair, who was proving to be an ineffective leader in a moment of crisis. Poe's mutiny was fully justified given the circumstances and the failure of Tumblr Hair to lead effectively. This is evidenced by the large number of crew who mutiny with him.
• Autopilot exists in the setting. Why does someone have to go down with the ship when everyone else abandons it? Other than to feel sad for the poor sap stuck at the helm?
• Why are your escape shuttles unarmed and unshielded? Especially since the Resistance was supposedly bankrolled by people in the New Republic on the down low? You deserve to get blown out of the sky.
• Why is the New Republic gone? They're the major faction in the galaxy and would have administrators, senators, functionaries and so on all across the galaxy. How incompetent can the New Republic be?
• Why does Yoda do any of the things he does in this movie? He acts like he did when he was trying to bamboozle Luke when he first showed up on Dagobah instead of the actual Master Yoda once he revealed himself? Why is he an asshole now?
• Why are Force Ghosts able to affect the mortal world now?
• Why does the Yoda puppet look so bad?
• Why does Luke abandon the galaxy at large because he considered killing his flesh and blood when he defied the two most powerful Dark Siders in the galaxy and ultimately refuse to kill either of them because he believed in the goodness of his own flesh and blood. Even sticking with the movies, none of Luke's backstory in this makes any sense.
• Why show Luke's submerged X-Wing when you don't use it? This is Chekhov's Blue Balls.
• When does the Star Wars movie start?
• Why is Rey able to fence with a lightsaber after an afternoon where she spins around some rocks.
• Why doesn't she ever apologize to the lizard nuns for making a mess of the place and nearly killing several of them?
• Why is Rey's backstory a big nothing after all that buildup in the last movie? Don't tell me to read the books, important information should be
• Why didn't Luke have the balls to show up on Crait to face his nephew when the net result was the same? Its FAMILY, Luke. Your SISTER is in danger you sellout.
• Why do you just die at the end Luke? Is it because of sadness, like how your mother died in Revenge of the Sith?
• Why are Snoke's bodyguards so useless and incompetent?
• Why is their armor so cheap looking?
• Where are the Knights of Ren that were talked up so much last time?
• How does Poe know Maz? he's never met her before as far as we know.
• Why is Maz even in this?
• Why is the middle of this a poorly done remake of that one Nu Battlestar Galactica Episode everybody likes?
• Why didn't Vice Admiral Tumblr Hair tell Poe her plan?
• Why wasn't Ackbar or Leia the one to hyperspace ram the Super Super Star Destroyer? It would have more emotional impact than Admiral Tumblr Hair.
• Why is Phasma anything? She accomplishes less than Boba Fett did in the movies.
• Why are there flashback sequences in Star Wars now?
• Who gives a shit if Not-Hoth is made of salt instead of snow? We know its not-Hoth. We can tell from the speeders and walkers. You don't have to pretend to be clever. We just want this three hour movie to end.
• Why does Han have a beloved set of dice hanging in the Falcon when we've never ever had them before over the course of FORTY YEARS? Besides “brand synergy” with the upcoming Han Solo movie, of course.
• Why do the dice on Crait fade away AFTER Luke dies and fades away himself?
• Why is Rian Johnson getting a trilogy all to himself?
• Why does Vice Admiral Tumblr Hair have cotton candy hair?
• Why does Vice Admiral Tumblr Hair not wear a military uniform during a military operation?
• Why do we have giant alien sloth titties in Star Wars? Why does Luke go Al Franken on them?
• Why does Rey only manage one expression: Dull Surprise?
• Why is Poe repeatedly knocked down, berated and emasculated by his military superiors for repeatedly making the right call? Is that any way to treat a Hispanic heroic role model? Why is the lesson here to blindly follow authority in a rebel movement?
• Why didn't Vice Admiral Tumblr Hair tell Poe her plan?

So that's it. I'm done with this damn movie. I'm glad it seems to be struggling at the box office. Its not good, its not worth the false hype, and its not worth your money. Avoid it if you love Star Wars, because it shits all over the franchise and demands that you say "thank you."

If you feel like listening to me and a couple others in the Pulp Rev scene go off on the movie, you can find it below.