“Why not just kill them? I'll do it! I'll run up to Paris - bam, bam, bam, bam. I'm back before week's end. We spend the treasure. How is this a bad plan?”

Right, so its been a while since I’ve complained about a film, and it looks like the 2002 adaptation of Alexandre Dumas pére’s classic, The Count of Monte Cristo might get my English Major hackles up. Let’s explore.

Story
For those of you who didn’t pay attention in 9th Grade English, we follow the story of one Edmond Dantés (James Caviezel), an idealistic and naïve French sailor living in the early 19th Century. He’s got a good job, a fiancée that loves him and solid friends, or so he thinks. After a fateful landing at Elba and meeting the exiled Napoleon Bonaparte, a small conspiracy begins brewing against Dantés. After the return to Marseilles, Fernand Mondego, the Count de Morcerf (Guy Pearce) (who in the movie is a close friend of Dantés and fellow crewman and not just a romantic rival) and Danglars (Albie Woodington) (who is jealous of Dante’s quick rise past him in the ship’s hierarchy) bring the illiterate Dantés before J.F. (oddly enough not Gerard as in the book) Villefort (James Frain). Dantés was given a letter by Napoleon to deliver to someone on the mainland. That someone is Villefort’s father. Villefort confiscates the letter, burns it and has Dantés imprisoned for life in the sinister Château d’If because Villefort’s career would be in danger if his father were to be outed as a Bonapartist.

While in prison, Dantés meets the eccentric, but brilliant Abbé Faria (played with great humor by Richard Harris), an Italian priest who was imprisoned long ago and forgotten. Faria teaches him to read, to speak several languages, to fence and other skills. He also tells him of the location of a buried treasure that, if found, would make him wealthy beyond imagination. Faria dies and Dantés escapes the prison, runs afoul of bandits, recruits one named Jacopo (played with homicidal glee by Luis Guzman), finds the gold and returns to France intent on finding out what happened to his former love Mercedes (for some reason called Iguanada and not Herrera) (Dagmara Dominczyk) and enacting a carefully constructed revenge against the three men who wronged him so.

And that’s the short version of the plot. What? It's a thick book.

Visuals/Effects
Directed by Kevin Reynolds (who also did Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and the legendarily maligned Waterworld), the movie hits all the right visual notes for a modern period costume drama. Lots of fancy costumes and dresses, interesting locations and the occasional impressive swordfight. There’s even a nice bit of spectacle as Dantés makes his first official appearance as the Count of Monte Cristo via hot-air balloon.

Writing
Based on the novel “Le Comte de Monte Cristo” by Alexandre Dumas pére. Screenplay by Jay Wolpert. As you can see from the plot description above, the book is densely layered and translating all 1,312 pages to a single movie would be a horrible task for any writer. So cuts were made, some characters folded into others, some characters, like Danglars, were diminished and others, like Fernand, elevated. Understandable, and for the most part, the changes are acceptable. Cavizel does a very nice job of transforming our hero from a young idealist to a bitter manipulator. It’s really the end of the movie where things kind of lose it. Without spoiling it too much, instead of patiently exacting his revenge on all of his enemies and realizing that his thirst for revenge is spilling over and destroying the lives of innocent people, the realization of which forces the Count to quietly re-learn mercy and move on with his life, instead we get a knock-down, slam-bang swordfight between Dantés and Fernand over Mercedes and a surprise revelation as to the identity of somebody’s father.

While yes, it’s a nice swordfight, it kind of wraps things up too nice and tidy and removes the deliciously cold revenge that Edmond takes out on Fernand in the book. I suppose it was also done to keep Edmond from going into some pretty unlikable actions (which is arguably the point of the book: Edmond goes to some pretty nasty lengths in his quest for revenge and only really repents for them after he’s seen what he’s become). Still, I appreciate a nice swordfight, so that makes the ending doubly irritating.

Sound
Original music by Edward Shearmur (Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow), the soundtrack is quite good, filled with sweeping orchestral flourishes and lots of moody movements.

Conclusion
Maybe it’s the weather, maybe I’m just not in the mood for vitriol, but I can’t call the 2002 The Count of Monte Cristo a bastardization of all that is good and holy in literature. The music is good, the visuals are good, the cast are all very good. The ending is very, very dumb, and that rankles me a bit. Still, I can take comfort in knowing that somewhere, somewhen, a lazy high schooler got his information about this story from the movie instead of the book and did horribly on a test or essay.

Some days, it’s the little things like that that matter.

“To be with another woman, that is French. To be caught, that is American.”

1988 brought forth a most curious combination of Michael Caine, Steve Martin and Frank Oz. Dirty Rotten Scoundrels is the tale of two conmen, an American and an Englishman, who get into what can only be called a turf war over a small town in the French Riviera where they are working their cons.

Story
Well, the plot is fairly simple. Lawrence Jamieson (Michael Caine) is a classy, urbane con man operating out of the Beaumont sur Mer who runs into the crass, blunt Freddy Benson (Steve Martin) an American con man working his way across Europe. Some time later, Benson arrives in Jamieson’s territory and the two social parasites end up bumping into each other constantly. At first Jamieson tries to drive Benson away by “training” him, but the American is too persistent to let a little lost dignity drive him off. A contest is agreed to. The first one to con $50,000 dollars out of a rich young woman wins and the loser has to leave town. The contest heats up when the wealthy Janet Colgate (Glenne Headly) arrives in town and both conmen begin working on her. Notable side characters include the very clued-in Inspector Andre (Anton Rodgers) and Jamieson’s servant Arthur (played by Ian “Emperor Palpatine” McDiarmid)

Visuals/Effects
Directed by Frank Oz, the film has a steady hand behind it. The scenery is pleasant, bright and sunny, which goes a long way to making the conmen much more likable than professional liars and social predators normally are.

Writing
Written by Dale Launer and Stanley Shapiro & Paul Henning (and basically a loose remake of 1964’s Bedtime Story), the story ambles around at an amiable clip, though the first half (before the bet is made) kind of wanders a bit too far afield. Things pick up quickly when the conmen officially square off against each other. The film has its fair share of great comedic scenes (one of the real standouts being the “Ruprecht” bit), but be aware that this isn’t a knee-slapper. The comedy is more subtle, steadily building and building towards absurdity. The real charm of the movie is watching Caine & Martin play off of each other.

Sound
Original music by Miles Goodman, the soundtrack is entirely suitable to the task of a light, breezy comedy about conmen. Its somewhat reminiscent of Elmer Bernstein’s comedy scores.

Conclusion
Dirty Rotten Scoundrels is a good time. Steve Martin was unstoppable in the 1980s and its always a joy watching Michael Caine chew the scenery. Definitely recommended.


Odd sound effects not actually in the movie, thankfully.

“Do I get the job, or should we move right onto the shark infested waters test?”

So, digging into the category of “movies I know for certain almost nobody but me has ever heard of” I present to you one of the formative film experiences of my youth: 1983’s Twice Upon A Time, a fractured kind of fairy tale featuring a rare (or at least uncommon) animation style called “Lumage.”

Story
Well, dreams come from two places. Good dreams come from Frivoli and nightmares come from The Murkworks. The residents of both places refer to the real world as Din and us humans as “rushers,” on account of how we’re always concerned about this thing called “time.” The ruler of the Murkworks, unrepentant jerk Synonamess Botch (Marshall Efron), hatches a plan to freeze this “time” and explode a bomb in Din that would effectively cause permanent nightmares. Its up to several Frivolians to put a stop to his mad scheme. Recruited by a particularly cynical Fairy Godmother (Judith Kahan) they are: Ralph, the All-Purpose Animal (Lorenzo Music), Mumford (who doesn’t speak so much as make sound effects), Flora Fauna (Julie Payne) who’s looking for her uncle Greensleeves (Hamilton Camp) who works in Din making sure dreams get distributed, and eventually Rod Rescueman, a superhero still on his learner’s permit (James Cranna). Oh yeah, and there’s also Scuzzbopper, Botch’s head writer at the Murkworks. (also James Cranna).

Visuals/Effects
Directed by John Korty & Charles Swenson, the real draw here is the Lumage style animation. What that means is they used cut out pieces of paper (or plastic in this case) and animated them over a light table. The result is a very unique “illuminated” feel to the film that also looks like moving watercolors, if that makes sense. Also of special note are the credits of Special Photographic Effects by David Fincher (yes, THAT David Fincher) and Sequence Director Henry Selick (The Nightmare Before Christmas, Coraline)

Writing
Screenplay & Story credits to Bill Couturié, Suella Kennedy, and John Korty. Written by Charles Swenson. The story takes a standard heroic plot, mixes in a bunch of fairy tale tropes and then turns a lot of stuff upside down. There’s also two versions of the film, one marked by saltier dialogue that mixes in occasional mid-level potty words.

Sound
Original music by Dawn Atkinson and Ken Melville. There are also several songs by Maureen McDonald and one by Bruce Hornsby. The soundtrack is very "early 1980s," but not in a bad way.

Conclusion
Twice Upon A Time is another one of those “movies I love deeply but you’ve probably never heard of.” Which is a shame, because I can guarantee you’ve not seen an animated film that looks quite like this AND has a surprisingly sophisticated sense of humor. Its also unfortunate that its kind of caught up in a legal snarl between the director and producer, since this really deserves to be on DVD. I don’t normally recommend finding movies through less than legal sources, but since it would take a miracle to get this thing re-released, do so (and if it actually DOES happen I vow to pick up a copy on day one). VHS copies exist and the internet has copies of both versions circulating around.


Not a trailer, but it shows plenty of scenes, so good enough.

“Get your ass to Mars.”

Rounding out the impromptu Arnold trifecta (yes I'm counting Commando from last month), we turn to 1990’s Total Recall, which is a thoughtful meditation on self-identity, memory, free will and destroying mining equipment with oversized power drills.

Story
Douglas Quaid (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is an otherwise happy construction worker who’s haunted by strange dreams of being on Mars with a woman, Melina (Rachel Ticotin) who’s not his wife Lori (Sharon Stone). He turns to Rekall Inc. which sells “mental vacations” by implanting memories into clients. Something goes wrong and Douglas Quaid remembers being a secret agent/freedom fighter named Hauser affiliated with the Martian resistance. Chased by agents of Martian dicator/CEO Vilos Cohaagen (Ronny Cox) and his right hand man Richter (Michael Ironside), Quaid/Hauser tries to track down his missing past, surviva Cohaagen’s men, find resistance leader Kuato (Marshall Bell), find Melina and along the way he teams up with a cab driver named Benny (Mel Johnson Jr.). And of course, there’s the three-breasted prostitute, because you can’t discuss Total Recall without mentioning her.

Or Quaid is stuck in Rekall’s memory machine and only thinks that he’s a former secret agent trying to liberate Mars. It’s deliberately left vague.

Visuals/Effects
Directed by Paul Verhoeven, the movie looks great and the movie jumps from action scene to action scene at a high clip. The effects are also solid, with a lot of practical prosthetics for the Martian mutants and so on. Some of the vehicles though, are a little goofy looking.

Writing
“Inspired” by the Philip K. Dick short story “We Can Remember It For You Wholesale.” Screen story by Ronald Shusett, Dan O’Bannon, & Jon Povill. Screenplay by Ronald Shusett, Dan O’Bannon and Gary Goldman. The story is actually surprisingly thoughtful for a big action movie, what with the refusal to be clear on whether Quaid really IS Hauser or merely imagining all of these things as part of his “mental vacation.”

Sound
Original music by Jerry Goldsmith, and appropriately, its quite good.

Conclusion
Compared to the previous two Arnold films, Total Recall is easily the classiest, most sophisticated of the three. If you feel like thinking, it actually has a lot for you to find, such as the “is it real or just in his head?” question. If you don’t feel like thinking, its got plenty of “Get your ass to Mars” and “Screw YOU!!” moments to satisfy your barbarian urges.

“I’ll live to see you eat that contract, but I hope you leave enough room for my fist because I'm going to ram it into your stomach and break your god-damn spine!”

More Arnoldy goodness. This time its 1987’s The Running Man.

Story
Ben Richards (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is a former cop who was wrongfully convicted of firing on unarmed civilians during a riot. He gets sent to prison, breaks out with some fellow inmates, but when he makes it back to the city, he runs into Amber Mendez (Maria Conchita Alonso), a woman who eventually turns him back over to the authorities because of his reputation. Richards is given over to Damon Killian (the gloriously hammy Richard Dawson), our villain and host of the hit show THE RUNNING MAN (DUN DUN DUN) where convicted felons are given the opportunity to fight their way to freedom through strange levels while being chased by the Stalkers, a bunch of gimmick oriented goons that include: Captain Freedom (Jesse Ventura), Fireball (Jim Brown), Buzzsaw (Bernard Gus Rethwisch), Subzero (Professor Toru Tanaka-- he was a wrestler, I checked) and Dynamo (Erland Van Lidth).

There’s also cameos by Mick Fleetwood & Dweezil Zappa. For some reason.

Visuals/Effects
Directed by Paul Michael Glaser, the movie follows standard 80s action movie principles in visuals. The sci-fi elements lead to a lot of glowing lights and computer screens. As for the costumes…well, that’s where things get really goofy. The jumpsuits for The Running Man contestants are a bit silly, but they pale in comparison to the outfits of the Stalkers. Of particular mention is Dynamo, who is a fat guy who sings opera in a costume made out of LED lights and drives around a go-kart also covered in LED lights.

Writing
Based on the Steven King (under the pen name Richard Bachman) book and screenplay by Steven E. de Souza. I haven’t read the book, but I’m fairly certain that a LOT of liberties were taken. Still, the movie’s fun, we get plenty of Arnold one-liners and its fun waiting for what new craziness awaits around the next corner.

Sound
Original music by Harold Faltermeyer, the score is INCREDIBLY 80s with a lot of electronic cues.

Conclusion
The Running Man is another goofy slice of Arnold-y goodness. Its got a dystopian future setting where convicts fight in an arena that’s like Super Smash TV against a group of bosses that look like rejected He-Man toys. Its great!