The following story was written in 2012-2013 and submitted to a short story publication for a Ray Bradbury tribute issue. It got close to being accepted, but ultimately rejected (which is fine, no ill-will there) and I've just been sitting on it for a while now, so why not toss it out there?
A key thing to remember is that this isn't Pulp, even if it is deliberately Bradburian. If I'd written it now, I'd probably have somebody fistfight a ghost in the climax, since that's always fun.
Since I figure I've been talking with a lot of Pulp Revolution and Superversive people lately, its time for me to put up or shut up.
The Language Barrier
By K.P. Kalvaitis
“The big thing to remember
when dealing with the spirit world is the language barrier,” Pete
Kasket explained. He was all of eighteen and a self-professed Vodun
houngan. He also claimed to be a direct descendant of Marie Laveau,
despite being of Irish and Swedish stock and white as freshly fallen
snow. His best friend Tim Kaminsky knew he was a liar, but didn't
mind, since most of what Pete said was interesting. Just last week
he'd sworn that Ferdinand Magellan visited him in his sleep to
lecture him about geography, which was the reason Pete had aced that
midterm. Tim supposed it sounded more exciting than saying he studied
hard.
Tim didn't blame Pete for making things up. The Ohio town they lived in was small and inconsequential. The biggest local news in recent years was the new sign erected at the township line boasting that it was the birthplace of a man who created a comic strip that was popular when William Randolph Hurst was alive. There were farms, a few wineries, and a truck stop by the interstate that had decent coffee. Beyond that, it was peaceful, scenic, and quiet.
Tim tried to change the subject.
“Where are you applying for college?”
“I'm serious,” Pete
continued as Tim lay on a picnic table looking up at the clouds. “If
you go into a graveyard and manage to get the ritual and incantations
right and actually summon up an Iroquois who died before the Western
Reserve was settled, he's not going to understand English.”
It normally paid to let Pete
monologue as he started one of his tales. It gave Tim time to look
for paradoxes and contradictions that he could throw back at Pete.
Challenging the lie was part of the fun of listening to it.
“Or what if he was from the
French and Indian War and actually recognizes you speaking English?
Then you'd have an angry
ghost Iroquois on your hands. What then?”
Tim looked away from a rocking
chair-shaped cloud when Pete's silence requested an answer. “I
dunno, probably nothing since I'm not raising an Indian Spirit in a
cemetery.”
“The correct answer is
apologize,” Pete tapped a knuckle on Tim's forehead. “Otherwise
there's an ectoplasmic tomahawk shearing your scalp off.”
“So what if it does?” Tim
asked. “It's just a ghost. It can't do nothin' to you.”
“There's curses. Say he's
marked you, and now every restless Iroquois spirit from here to
upstate New York knows it. What do you do then?”
Tim tried to read Pete's face.
It was always difficult to see if he was telling the truth. “Are we
talking hypothetically here or did you do something stupid?”
In the silence of Pete's reply,
Tim thought he heard the rocking chair cloud creaking woodenly before
the wind blew it apart.
#
Two bikes pedaled East toward
the River on a sunny autumn afternoon. Thick cumulus clouds rolled
Southeast, the wind pushing them continuously re-sculpted them into
new shapes but was never satisfied with the results. Tim chased Pete
down the road, shouting for his friend to wait up. Pete laughed in response, the messenger bag over
his left shoulder jumping wildly with every bump.
The road wound down a slope into
a valley carved over a million years by a shallow and rocky river.
Pete finally stopped when he reached the covered bridge straddling
it.
“See this?” Pete pointed at
the wooden roof.
Tim rolled to a stop next to
Pete. “We come down here all the time.”
“The town used to have the
longest covered bridge on the continent, but back in the 1930s, some
Canadian millionaire bought it and transported it timber-by-timber up
to some other small town in New Brunswick.”
“Oh come on, why would the
town sell their bridge?”
“The Great Depression,” Pete
said like it was the most obvious answer in the world.
“What did they do with the
money?”
“Built a new bridge. Except
this one's two feet shorter than the original.”
The boys walked their bikes
across the bridge, listening to the river burble over the rocks
below. Tim noticed Pete fidgeting with the bag.
“What's in there?” Tim
asked.
“Mysteries! Miracles!
Monkeyshine!” Pete answered with renewed vigor. “If you want to
find out, you'll have to beat me to the graveyard!”
Tim barely had time to jump back
on his bike before Pete was already thirty feet ahead and pulling
away. Tim swore, then apologized to the sky, then tore off after
Pete.
It was the closest race Tim had
ever run with his friend. Pete guffawed when Tim pulled even, then
increased speed. Tim pedaled harder to match it. One second he was in
the lead, the next it was Pete.
All of a sudden, they skidded to
a halt on the gravel driveway of Willowbrook Cemetery. They gulped
air in huge bites and washed it down with the salty sweat that
dripped off their brows.
“Well would you...look at
that?” Pete panted. “About time you...beat me in a race.”
Tim looked at the cemetery gate
and realized his bike was closer. “You let...me win!” he
protested.
Pete shook his head. “Lies!
Slander! That's my...job. Not yours.”
“Where's this brave of yours?”
Tim demanded as they propped their bikes up against the fence.
“Under the Colonel.” Pete
hopped the fence and peeked inside his bag for a fraction of a
second. Tim jumped in after.
Willowbrook
was ancient. Nobody had been interred there for over a hundred years.
The most recent headstone had 1898 carved under the name. Most of the
older markers were too weatherbeaten by snow and ice and acid rain to
be legible anymore. Pete said it was the oldest graveyard in the
state. He refused to call them cemeteries. Cemeteries were where the
dead rested. Graveyards were where they lived.
Towering over every other
gnarled and twisted tree was the gnarliest and twistiest oak of them
all. It stood on a ridge that dropped off suddenly to the winding
river below and marked the edge of the graveyard. That was the
Colonel, and entwined in its roots was a block of marble so pitted it
looked and felt like pumice. The only letters still readable on the
stone were “Col,” and even the Historical Society declared that
it was probably the final resting place of the man who'd first
settled the township.
Pete patted the Colonel
respectfully and plopped down on a root as thick as his torso. Tim
sat down cross legged facing him. Pete fished around inside the bag
and pulled out two paper cups.
“I'd like a drum roll,” Pete
said with deadly seriousness. Tim arched an eyebrow, but finally
slapped out a drum roll on his jeans.
Pete let “Whoosh!” jump out
of his lips and he raised a bottle of whiskey to the sky. It shone
like bronze in the sunlight.
“Where'd you get
that?”
“Dad's liquor cabinet, of course.”
“But he'll...”
“Yell at me and ground me for
a week when he finds out,” Pete shrugged. “Big deal. It's worth
it for the occasion.”
“What occasion?”
“The end of youth! The death
of our friendship as we know it!”
“End of...? That's crazy
talk!”
Pete unsuccessfully tried to
swat away the shadow that crawled over his face. “We're still going
to be friends, obviously, but not like we were before. Not like we
are now. By this time next year, you'll be in Indiana, or Illinois,
or Pennsylvania.”
“Jeez, Pete, I haven't even
finished applying anywhere.”
“Yeah, but you'll get in. Good
student, serious about grades. You'll get a scholarship and get out
of this town. Me? I'll be working somewhere and
going to community college. The days of doing stuff like this...,”
Pete spread his arms wide in an attempt to span the graveyard. “These
days are numbered.”
“What do you want me to do
about it?” Tim snapped. “Not go?”
“No!
Of course not! It's your chance to get out of here and do something
new. What I want you to do about it is acknowledge
the change,
and salute the mortality of friendship with a toast, and then wring
every possible second of value out of that friendship before we grow
up, apart, and dead. No, worse than dead! Mature!”
Tim thought about that in
silence. A gust of wind blew a cloud of leaves through the graveyard.
“I can drink to that,” he finally agreed.
The shadow over Pete's face
lightened. “'Atta boy.” He unscrewed the bottle and poured.
Tim stared into the double shot
that was handed to him. “So what do we toast to? Friendship?”
“Too cliché.”
“To cliché!” Tim echoed
with a laugh and they clinked cups. Or would have if they weren't
made of paper. They tilted the shots back.
The next full minute was full of
violent coughing, red faces, bulging eyes and throats on fire.
“That's disgusting!” Tim
finally managed. “Who drinks that!?”
Pete thumped his chest a few
times trying to keep the drink down. “Mature people. My dad. Your
dad. Us in ten years.”
“Man, I hope not.”
Pete put a hand on Tim's
shoulder. “Hey, promise me that when you come back from college to
visit, that you'll have stories of your own, okay? True, false, I
don't care. It'll be your turn to be the interesting one.”
“I promise,” Tim said. “Just
don't make me drink more of that.”
Pete roared with laughter and
screwed the cap back onto the bottle. “I think that's been enough
of that.”
For a second, Tim thought Pete
looked a lot older as the Sun slouched West, then shook it out of his
head. “You know, I wish there was a ghost Indian you brought me
here to see.”
A switch went on somewhere and
Pete's face was young again. “That actually happened, you know. He
was standing about ten feet behind you near the ridge. An Iroquois or
probably Erie brave, dressed in skins and warpaint, big as life and
glowing like a bug zapper.”
“Did he say anything?”
“Sure, but I couldn't
understand him.”
“Did
you
say anything?”
“No, I stared at him and then
ran away.”
“He do anything else?”
“He looked surprised, then
disappointed. Nothing sadder than a disappointed ghost,” Pete
sighed.
“Sounds like you feel a little
guilty.”
“Maybe.”
“Sounds like you want to make
it up to the guy and apologize, right?”
“That would be the polite
thing to do, right?”
Tim took the bottle out of
Pete's hand and examined it. With the Sun going down, it had lost its
shine.
“Then if we can't communicate
with him, the next best thing is to leave him a gift.”
“By the Colonel, you're right!”
Pete exclaimed. “There's hope for you yet, Timmy!”
The whiskey bottle was paraded
around the tree with reverence. It was still three-quarters full when
Pete set it gently against the Colonel and saluted.
“I Pete Kasket, do formally
apologize for seeing a ghost and running like a scaredy-cat. You
probably still can't understand what I'm saying, but please accept
this gift of whiskey for you to enjoy and share with your ghost
neighbors.”
After his little speech, Pete
waited for any kind of response.
“Is that-” Tim started
before Pete's hand shot up to shush him. Tim shushed and they both
waited some more.
“...Maybe if we unscrewed the
bottle,” Tim whispered.
Pete bent down and removed the
cap and preemptively shushed Tim again. The waiting resumed.
Three more minutes passed before
Tim broke the silence. “It's getting dark. Let's go home.”
“All right,” Pete conceded.
The friends hopped back over the fence, picked up their bikes, and
rode into the sunset.
#
The town sexton unlocked the
fence at Willowbrook at seven in the morning. The town liked having
its oldest cemetery nice and tidy, and the sexton came out every week
to pull weeds and trim hedges.
He worked his way to the Colonel
and stopped. There was an empty bottle of whiskey propped up against
the tree.
Muttering about damn hooligans,
he picked up the bottle to throw it away. If the sexton had examined
it closer, he would have noticed there wasn't a drop of anything
inside, not even the morning dew.
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