“Ahhh, finally, a man worth killing.”

Well this is going to be weird. Its definitely high time for another King Arthur movie. Yay! Except this time around its one from the 2000s that purports to demystify the myths from the facts. Boo! Well, regardless, since I’ve got a mania where I end up buying Arthurian films regardless of their overall quality, we might as well sit down with 2004’s King Arthur, the Director’s Cut!

Plot
We start off with blah blah blah Roman Britain, blah blah blah, Sarmatian cavalry stationed in Britain even though Rome itself is really half-assing its support of the floundering colony. Turns out the Romans there are having trouble with the Saxons as well as the Woads…waitaminute. The Romano-British are having trouble with a flowering plant most famous for the indigo dyes it can be used to make? True story of King Arthur my ass. If you want to have local tribes that don’t bow to the Romans, you can call them Celts, or more accurately Picts. Well, anyway its 467 AD and Rome needs to consolidate its…Wait. Rome withdrew from Britain around 410 AD. You know what, fuck you movie for insulting my intelligence. Okay, so its neither a fantastical take on the legend or a historical take. Good to know. Excuse me while I turn my medievalist’s brain off.

So the soldiers get sent on one last mission before being given their release papers. They have to go up into *shudder* “Woad” territory to evacuate a Roman Villa because-- Wait. That makes no fucking sense. WHY WOULD YOU BUILD A ROMAN VILLA OUTSIDE OF ROMAN TERRITORY???

Anyway, we get some blah blah blah about how Arthur is a Romano-Britain (which is actually rather likely) who’s commander of a group of Sarmatian cavalrymen (look, the term “Knight” didn’t come about until later if we’re playing the historicity card) who are generally grumpy since their term of service is ending and most want to go home. And then there’s fighting. Yay, swords! And Keira Knightly in little more than leather straps. Yay T&A!

Characters
Arthur/Artorius: Clive Owen is a Roman Britain who was a big fan of Pelagius, a fairly obscure 5th century ascetic and heretic who died around 440 (not necessarily under shadowy circumstances), a full ten years before Arthur was to have met him. Anyway…., Owen’s Arthur is actually pretty cool, stupid plot notwithstanding. He’s an idealist, and merciful in his command who has the absolute loyalty of his men (no matter how much the movie makes them bitch about it). He believes in Rome the ideal, but he’s also got the stones to back up his vision but he‘s also conflicted. And you know, Owen makes a pretty damn good Arthur, so there you go: badass of the film.

Lancelot: Ioan Gruffudd is Arthur’s number 2, a Sarmatian who’s extremely grumpy. I mean, that’s his dominant character trait. He’s grumpy about everything. Oh, and he’s vaguely pagan, which I suppose would be acceptable since he’s supposed to be from a tribe of steppe horsemen. Oh, and he fights with two swords, because that’s a practical fighting style for a horseman.

Tristram: Mads Mikkelsen is the most “barbarian” looking of the horsemen. He’s actually really good in the role, just underutilized a lot and with not a whole lot of characterization. He’s a falconer, is apparently the scout of the squad, seems to sort of, kind of have a death wish and fights with a curved blade which gives him a cool looking two handed “katana-esque” fighting style but isn’t all that practical for a horseman. Also, there is no Isolde, so that’s automatic points off.

Gawain: Joel Edgerton (who was the young Uncle Owen in the Star Wars prequels though I can’t blame you for forgetting). Gawain’s all right. He’s got long hair, seems pretty laid back about most everything and is a trooper who’s got Arthur’s back. He’s not Arthur’s cousin, which sucks, but its clear the writer had a cursory knowledge of Gawain and the Green Knight because he’s got green-ish armor and uses a handaxe, which…is actually a very practical weapon for a horseman.

Galahad: Hugh Dancy is probably the least defined member of the team. He’s the young one who doesn’t like fighting. And that’s about it. And he’s sort of an archer. Definitely not the “Warrior of Justice and Purity” that Galahad is synonymous with.

Bors: Ray Winstone is actually pretty damn awesome here as one of the team’s “big guys.” He’s an old soldier and pretty much planning on settling down with his woman and 11 or so illegitimate children. Big, boisterous and jolly, he also happens to fight with two funky daggers because THAT’S a practical weapon for a horseman.

Dagonet: Ray Stevenson is the other big guy on the team. Doesn’t talk much, always has Arthur’s back and is treated like Bors’ little brother. He’s also the first one to die in the film, but he does get a pretty badass death scene. He uses a very big axe because that’s a practical for a-- You know what, never mind.

Guinevere: Keira Knightley is a Pictish woman rescued by Arthur during the “last mission.” She’s okay, I guess, despite being yet another preachy action girl shoehorned into a historical movie. I guess I’d complain more, but she just looks so damn good doing it.

Merlin: Stephen Dillane is the creepy Celtic mystic who more or less rules the “Woads.” Arthur hates him because years ago his mother was killed in a raid led by Merlin. Merlin’s is not actually a wizard in this movie, so all the crazy looks he gives here are, well, just crazy looks that make him simply a creepy dude in the woods.

Cerdic: Stellan Skarsgård is our Saxon villain. A very, very, very obvious villain. Murderous, psychotic and racist against the Britons (which is hilarious, since the Saxons settled permanently in Britain and forever changed both the language and demography), he’d be on the level of moustache-twirling cartoon if it weren’t for just how laid back he is about it. He’s a barbarian warlord who’s possessed by ennui, which is both hilarious and awesome, and Skarsgård seems to be having a lot of fun with it.

Cynric: Til Schweiger is Cerdic’s son and second in command. He’s there to get yelled at a lot by dad and glower.

Bishop Germannus: Ivano Marescotti is the Roman bishop sent to the island to serve Arthur & his men their discharge papers (which…why would the Empire send a bishop to do such a menial task??). He’s just kind of a jerk.

Visuals/Effects
Antoine Fuqua (who directed Training Day, which I’ve heard good things about) brings some interesting things to the table. The movie is certainly well shot and the battle scenes are legitimately interesting to watch. It definitely looks good. Pacing is a definite issue though, and I don’t just mean that as a comment on the director’s cut (never seen the theatrical version and from what I’ve read, that’s for the best).

Writing
David Franzoni (who worked on the entertaining but historical clusterfuck Gladiator) is the sole scripter here and… there’s a lot wrong with it. I mean, why do these “Sarmatian knights” have names like Lancelot (French in origin) or Gawain (which is British)? Why do the Saxons have crossbows? Trebuchets? “WOADS?” Why is the Pope considered the highest authority in the Western Roman Empire? The Senate and the Emperor (however useless he may have been) were still the authorities. The Pope was still only considered Bishop of Rome. And speaking of Rome, it was sacked in 410 by the Goths and the capital of the Western Empire (and the Emperor) moved to the more defensible Ravenna. I mean, is it really all that hard to check this stuff in Wikipedia? Or a book? I mean…FUCK! So much of this story doesn’t make any goddamn sense. And if it sounds like I’m being overly critical of the script when I might let other movies slide, well, I am. You can’t have the marketing campaign be all like “based on the TRUE story of King Arthur” and have so many goddamn glaring GLARBHHHGUYAJGHKJHASFKJHKLJHASFDLK:LIUO*&

About the only really interesting thing done with the characters is that the Lancelot/Arthur/Guinevere love triangle is downplayed.

Sound
Hans Zimmer’s music is a totally serviceable score for the film that rises to very solid percussive beats during the action scenes. Its solid, but not something that really can stand alongside the true greats of film music.

Conclusion
Right, so I’ve really ragged on King Arthur here quite a bit. Do I hate it? Surprisingly no. Franzoni’s script is pretty damn bad, but the movie looks good, the battles entertain and the cast largely manages to elevate the mediocre material they’re dealing with. I mean, its way more entertaining than First Knight. I just kind of wish every single period film like this of the last ten years didn’t try to ape Braveheart so much.

And by no means is this the worst Arthurian movie I’ve seen…

“I've seen much of the rest of the world. It is brutal and cruel and dark. Rome is the light.”

Sometimes, the stars align and an Oscar bait movie gets made that is right up my alley. 2000 was a good year, because Ridley Scott’s Gladiator came out, an epic drama about corruption, revenge and violence in the shadows of Rome in its glory. It also made out like a bandit at the Academy Awards that year.

Plot
Okay, deep breaths. I’m going to go ahead and pretend that this takes place in a bizarro Roman Empire where Marcus Aurelius did not name his son and co-ruler, Commodus, as rightful heir, instead being murdered by said son for the throne. In this fantasy world, the Emperor’s adopted successor is a general named Maximus, chosen because Aurelius wanted to re-establish the Republic and Maximus would support that (I know, it’s a crazy alternate world we’re dealing with). Commodus wants to be the big boss and when Maximus snubs him, the general is arrested, escapes execution but is sold into slavery and his family in Spain is murdered. Wishing for revenge but finding himself stuck as a gladiator, Maximus eventually makes it back to Rome where he can seek out his revenge against the emperor that took everything away from him and restore the ideals of the republic. Which, I suppose is an okay enough plot, until you consider that Commodus, while likely insane and absolutely loved killing things in the gladiatorial arena, was not a particularly cruel emperor and was fairly well-liked by the army and the lower classes and his assassination in 192 led to the extraordinarily bloody and chaotic “Year of Five Emperors” which was exactly what it sounds like. So the scriptwriters basically fail at history forever, but for movie purposes, the plot is straightforward enough to get the job done.

CharactersEmperor Marcus Aurelius: Venerable British actor Richard Harris played the last of the Five Good Emperors. Aurelius is charming, erudite and war-weary, which makes sense for an Emperor who spent most of his reign fighting a war when he would’ve rather been writing about stoic philosophy. Harris does a great job with his small role, but the lines they have him saying about restoring the Republic…well, those were just stupid because no emperor would’ve said that except for Augustus (and he would’ve been lying through his teeth).

Maximus: Russell Crowe in one of his highest-profile roles. As a general, Maximus is a stolid follower of Aurelius and a popular and successful general. His men love him, he gets victory and is a pretty likable character. Then he pisses off Commodus and his life goes to hell. As a gladiator, he’s pretty much resigned to his fate, until he finds out that his team and promoter are going to Rome for the games that Commodus will sponsor. Once there, he’s so popular with the crowd that the Emperor’s enemies (and he himself) realize that Maximus is a very real threat to Commodus. Crowe does a great job as the stoic, but revenge seeking Maximus.

Proximo: Veteran actor Oliver Reed’s last role (he died during filming and a lot of stuff had to be re-written). Proximo is introduced as a wheeling, dealing fight promoter and slaver, a former gladiator himself and one snarky bastard. He’s fantastic and gets some awesome lines, as well as becoming an ersatz mentor figure for Maximus.

Lucilla: Connie Nielsen plays Commodus’ sister and basically co-ruler. She & Maximus have an…awkward history that’s hinted at, and when she discovers the general alive and (more or less) well in the arena, she starts moving plans forward to take Commodus out of the picture. She’s a shady character who’s only real loyalty is to her young son, Lucius, and she otherwise plays the other characters off each other in a cool, detached manner. The historical Lucilla was actually involved in an assassination attempt against Commodus to put her husband (and herself) on the throne, but it failed and she was exiled, then executed by order of Commodus in 183. The movie doesn’t go into that.

Commodus: Joaquin Phoenix gives the best performance of the movie. Commodus is a crazy man who’s more than just a sociopath, and more than just a depraved hedonist. He’s nuanced, cultured, intelligent, a snappy dresser, lazy, and is always trying to prove that he’s worthy of love and adoration, with just a dash of incest to keep things fresh. He’s the Villain, but he brings so much complexity to the role that he’d be the most sympathetic character if not for the whole murder & incest thing, but even that throws him into the realm of Greek Tragedy anyway. Its most interesting that he’s expressly stated as a villain and a tyrant, but while he has lots of people arrested and killed (which is what was expected of a Roman Emperor) he doesn’t actually do anything to make him a “bad emperor” in the movie. Bad person sure, but bad ruler? According to the plot he’s bad because he opposes the senate and the “republic” but that’s modern rubbish tacked onto history. Which isn’t to say that the actual Commodus was a misunderstood hero of history. The guy really was batshit insane according to accounts, but he was sole emperor for 12 years (180-192) so it wasn’t like the people of Rome were against him from the start.

Juba: Djimon Honsou plays a Numidian slave owned by Proximo who bonds with Maximus. He really doesn’t like his current condition and doesn’t want to be a warrior, but survives in the arena thanks to skill and Maximus’ leadership. He effectively becomes Maximus’ sidekick, and someone for the general to bounce ideas off.

Hagen: German actor Ralf Moeller (who was also in Beerfest) plays the big, scary gladiator in Proximo’s troupe. He’s been a slave for a while, and knows what to do in the arena to make the people cheer. A huge badass who eventually bonds with Maximus (because of the general’s leadership in a match stacked against them), he’s pretty damn cool.

Gracchus: Derek Jacobi (who’s been in a lot of British stuff) plays a senator who’s (ugh) trying to restore the Republic. Aloof, aristocratic and “above the people” he’s still presented as a better option to Commodus.

Quintus: Thomas Arana plays Maximus’ former army subordinate, a grizzled looking soldier who makes a good team with Maximus during the preparation for battle. Quintus sides with Commodus, and has Maximus arrested (and orders his execution). Later, Quintus returns as the head of the Praetorian Guard, always at the emperor’s side during public appearances. Out of all the badasses in the film, I have to go with Quintus as the best, simply because he’s a guy who’s devoted to the Empire, a professional soldier who doesn’t let personal junk get in the way of getting shit done, and, when you get right down to it, is the guy who’s responsible for the fate of the emperor. Sure, gladiators may look fancy and flashy, but the Praetorian Guard were responsible for the removal of a huge chunk of emperors from their founding by Augustus to their dissolution by Constantine in the 300s. Rising to the top of that bunch of very scary guys is fucking badass.

Visuals/Effects
Ah, finally something I can fully praise in this movie. Ridley Scott’s directing is marvelous, because quite literally he presents you with a surfeit of marvels. A SURFEIT, I say! CGI is used heavily, but mostly for filling out crowds and backgrounds so as to present the Glorious Glory of Rome. Scott also knows his way around framing, shading, colors and all of that good stuff. The film is fantastically shot, particularly the action scenes. The opening battle is great and the gladiatorial matches are full of speed and fury. Slow motion is used, but in the right places. Interestingly, there are a lot of close ups and edits, but to the filmmakers’ credit, it works in the film’s favor. You can understand exactly what is going on during the fights, with the cuts shifting focus for visual impact, not to hide bad choreography.

Writing
David Franzoni, John Logan and William Nicholson all worked on the script at various points, and it kind of shows. There’s a disjointedness to the pacing that doesn’t stop the movie, but things slow down considerably when Lucilla starts making backroom deals with Gracchus, taking the spotlight off the Greek Tragedy between Commodus & Maximus. Sometimes the dialog is great, some lines are awesome, but most of the time its simply serviceable. However, there’s a plot hole that’s unforgivable. After Maximus escapes from his would-be killers, he is somehow able to get from Germania to Hispania (crossing all of Gallia/Gaul and the Pyrenees Mountains) with two horses (one presumably eaten along the way) and no supplies or survival equipment alone, and only misses the soldiers who killed his family & burned the estate down by maybe a day because the ruins were still smoking. Yes its dramatic, but its way too convenient and obvious that they jammed it in to give him more DRAMA to motivate him against Commodus.

Sound
The score by Hans Zimmer and Lisa Gerrard is suitable for the most part, rising to awesome during battle scenes and other moments of glory. The singing parts and some of the “synthesizer-y” bits didn’t do much for me though.

Conclusion
Gladiator is a fantastic movie built out of shitty history. The acting is great all around and the visual skill of Ridley Scott’s resurrection of the glory and corruption of Rome elevates the movie above the flaws of the scripting and plot.

“And of course, with the birth of the artist came the inevitable afterbirth... the critic.”

1981’s History of the World: Part I was one of the Mel Brooks cannon that I saw but not frequently as a kid. The movie itself follows a different structure than the rest of his work that I’ve seen, being presented as a mock history/textbook full of spectacle.



Plot
Oh, God. Describing the plot of this is…

No. I can do this. Let’s break this down one piece at a time. First, we have the Stone Age, where early man learns various things that help him to survive. Second, the Roman Empire is about a struggling stand-up philosopher and a runaway slave having adventures at the Palace and then getting the hell out of there. Third, the Spanish Inquisition gets a musical number. Then a lowly peasant becomes a body double for the king of France on the eve of the Revolution. Then, we get Jews in Spaaaaaace. Hilarity ensues for 92 minutes.

Characters
Oh, God. Deep breaths now. Deep breaths.

Chief Caveman: The great Sid Caesar as the leader of a tribe of early humans. Does fantastic comedy with only a series of grunts and hand gestures.

Comicus: A stand-up philosopher in Rome, played by Mel Brooks. Gets a job at the palace telling jokes before pissing off the emperor. Brooks has a fantastic ability to tell horribly bad jokes and puns and make them hilarious in their delivery.

Josephus: Gregory Hines plays a Roman slave from Ethiopia (125th St) and becomes Comicus’ partner in crime. Also delivers a lot of audacious humor.

Swiftus: Ron Carey is Comicus’ booking agent and sidekick.

Miriam: Mary-Margaret Humes is a vestal virgin at the palace that Comicus takes a liking to.

Empress Nympho: The great Madeline Kahn as the Empress. She delivers one liners and innuendo with fantastic timing and was one of the great funny ladies of cinema.

Emperor Nero: RMWC favorite Dom DeLouise playing the gloriously hedonistic Emperor like a drunken baby in a toga. Its fantastic.

Torquemada: Mel Brooks again as the leader of the Spanish Inquisition (what a show). Is possibly the singin’-est, dancin’-est grand inquisitor ever.

King Louis XVI: King of France and lecherous horndog (It’s good to be the king). Mel Brooks clearly enjoyed this role.

Jacques: Brooks once more as a piss boy at the French court who gets dressed up like the king as a body double in case the peasants storm the palace (of course they do)

Count de Monet: The great Harvey Korman in a relatively small role as a French noble who, in an attempt to protect the Crown of France, has the piss boy impersonate the King.

Mademoiselle Rimbaud: Pamela Stephenson as the beautiful young woman beseeching the King to free her father from prison. Thinks that Jacques is the King when she enters his chambers, and he takes a liking to her.

Madame Defarge: The great Cloris Leachman as a peasant woman rabble-rouser with a ridiculous accent.

The Narrator: Orson Welles delivers a gruff voice over full of gravitas that contrasts perfectly with the action on the screen.

Hitler: On ice!

Various other cameos, from Bea Arthur to Hugh Hefner (bet you didn’t expect those two in the same sentence, did you?)

Visuals (Direction/Effects)
Like I said in the Spaceballs review, Brooks knows his way around a camera quite well. Considering the nature of parody, it bridges the gap between imitation and originality, and Brooks seamlessly delivers visuals that perfectly compliment the jokes.

The Spanish Inquisition musical number stands out as probably the best set piece and scene in the whole movie. It starts off like a rousing vaudeville song & dance number, complete with spoken word jokes interspersed with the verses, then turns into a Busby Berkley spectacle complete with a pool full of bikini-clad nuns drowning Jews. The whole scene crosses over the line of offensiveness so far that it passes into sublime comedic revelation. Easily my favorite part of the movie (and I’m Catholic)

Writing
Written by Mel Brooks, the movie throws a hell of a lot of great comic scenes at the viewer. The jokes are the typical Brooks fare of puns, dirty jokes, visual gags and wordplay, and they are great. However, I just don’t think the overall structure of the movie worked for me. Characters aren’t developed like they are in other Brooks films, and the pacing of the movie, while individually very fast, seems to stutter as far as the whole picture goes. The Roman Empire is the longest segment, with the other parts having various lengths (the Old Testament part is a total of two jokes and one character on screen, Moses). I hate to say it, but I feel like the whole movie is like a clearing house for a large number of great jokes and ideas that never developed into individual movies in their own right. Rather than lose those gags forever, they were lumped together into this gestalt form, which is good, but it also feels like a movie full of great orphaned gags saved from the trash bin.

Sound
The John Morris score is suitably big and boisterous for the over-the-top spectacle of the movie. However, the opening credits/fanfare music sounds awfully familiar. It sounds like Brooks reused that fanfare and added laser sounds when he made Spaceballs. I’m not complaining, it’s a great theme. Just pointing it out. The Inquisition number features an absolutely addictive tune and mind-blowingly insane lyrics.

Conclusion
Just because its not my favorite Mel Brooks film doesn’t mean I don’t love it and recommend it. The jokes are great, the visuals fun, and it’s a veritable who’s who of 70s-80s movie comedians. The movie’s fun as hell, I just don’t hold it up there with stuff I personally enjoy better. But I absolutely recommend it, if for nothing more than the transcendent lunacy of the Spanish Inquisition number.