“I'll file a report tomorrow.”

The archetype of the buddy cop action flick and Eddie Murphy's big screen debut and from the director of The Warriors. Yeah, sure, I'll watch 1982's 48 Hrs.

Plot

San Francisco Detective Jack Cates (Nick Nolte) is having a bad day. Violent criminal Albert Ganz (James Remar, Ajax from The Warriors) escapes from a chain gang with the help of Billy Bear (Sonny Landham, Billy from Predator) and the two go on a crime spree, killing a few cops with Cates' own gun, oh, and he had an argument with his girlfriend Elaine (Anette O'Toole). More than just being two crooks on a tear, Ganz and Bear are finding their old gang members, and killing them, except Luther (David Patrick Kelly, a different Luther from The Warriors), whom they bully into helping them look for something. Cates wants to get revenge for the dead cops and one of Ganz' former buddies, Reggie Hammond (Eddie Murphy), is the only real lead he has left. Problem is, Hammond's in jail. So Cates secures a temporary parole for Hammond, leaving the two with only 48 Hours (DUN DUN DUN!) to stop Ganz.

Visuals

Directed by Walter Hill, a man who is no stranger to action movies. He made The Warriors, and the Warriors is fantastic. He even reused several actors from The Warriors (Remar, Landham and Kelly). Anyway, this is a well constructed action movie. Grittier than I expected, regarding the tone. The gritty streets of San Francisco and the early 80s neon nights is a part of that, but the action goes for a more brutal realism (not Verhoeven-level squibs) and the two main characters (Cates in particular) get beaten up quite a lot and get outwitted at numerous points. Lots of great physical effects, lots of fisticuffs, and not a whole lot of humor. 

Considering this was Eddie Murphy's breakout movie, I expected more yuks. Most of the comic relief comes from Murphy himself, and he does a fine job because he's not just a comic relief character. As a screen debut, its quite good because it shows the ability to do the comedy he's well known for while also reaching into more serious territory.

It does have an angry police captain though, so there's some comedy there too.

Story

Written by Roger Spottiswoode and Walter Hill & Larry Gross and Steven E. de Souza. While the movie goes for a gritty tone for the setting and events, the villains end up being...cartoonish. Ganz is a psycopath who would rather watch cartoons than bang a hooker. Billy Bear is little more than a henchman who happens to be Native American. The real character work comes with the interactions between Cates and Hammond. The two can't be more different. Cates is a grizzled, gruff, trainwreck of a human being who is still an honest cop. Hammond is a slick, fast-talking, stylish conman who's always trying to keep secrets and play an angle. Naturally the two hate each other, but learn to grudgingly respect each other. Considering the year (1982), its amazing how fertile the Buddy-Cop movie becomes down the road (Lethal Weapon, Die Hard with a Vengeance, most things Shane Black is involved in), but it kind of originated here.

Sounds

Music by James Horner. Steel drums, just like in Commando! Okay, not to the same extent as Commando, but they do show up. The James Horner score is quite good, but doesn't quite reach iconic status.

Conclusion

48 Hrs. is good. The action scenes are well done, the pace moves brusquely, and the solid character work between Nolte and Murphy really invests you in what's going on. I now understand the reason why its the archetype of buddy cop movies. Recommended.

“How would you like to bite that in the butt, develop lockjaw, and be dragged to death?”

Can't really believe I've gone this long with this project without doing a Chuck Norris movie. THIS CHANGES NOW, with 1983's Lone Wolf McQuade, perhaps the most Chuck Norris of Chuck Norris movies.

Story

J.J. McQuade (Chuck Norris) is a damn good Texas Ranger, but also an antisocial loner and a slob. Oh, and he has a pet wolf. He plays by his own rules, and doesn't appreciate when his chief saddles him with an enthusiastic local cop, Kayo Ramos (Robert Beltran, who was Chakotay on Star Trek Voyager) whom he rescued on his most recent solo operation. McQuade, his recently retired mentor Dakota (L.Q. Jones), Ramos and later an FBI agent named Jackson (Leon Isaac Kennedy) proceed to get swept up into a scheme to stop martial artist gun smuggler Rawley Wilkes (David Carradine) from running weapons stolen from the US military to Mexican cartels.

What follows is a strange set of events where McQuade beats up thugs, falls in love with Lola Richardson (Bond Girl Barbara Carrera), the widow of Rawley's old partner, meets another of Rawley's old partners, Falcon, a little person in a motorized wheel chair who owns a horse track and an office with supervillain touches, and eventually pisses Rawley off so much that the villain tries to kill and/or kidnap most of the people McQuade cares about (and does a pretty good job of it). This culminates in a shootout in Mexico where McQuade and his surviving allies hunt down Rawley to rescue McQuade's teenage daughter Sally (Dana Kimmell). Naturally it comes down to a brawl between McQuade and his headband vs Rawley in a white argyle sweater.

Visuals

Director Steve Carver takes every opportunity to frame and shoot McQuade as heroically as possible. The rest of the movie consists of showing the rugged country side of the area around El Paso, Texas, and dudes getting beat up and shot by Chuck Norris. Some of them wear cowboy hats. Action scenes are generally entertaining in that Golan-Globus “we don't have squibs or fake blood” sort of way. The last fight between Norris and Carradine (and it IS Norris and Carradine, they insisted on not using stunt men for it) is actually pretty decent too.

Oh yeah, and this happens too:

Writing

Screenplay by B.J. Nelson, Story by H. Kaye Dyal & B.J. Nelson. Well, it's an 80s action movie script, so a lot of the characters are flat out archetypes and there aren't many surprises there. Yet still the movie manages to surprise by having said characters do unexpected things that make perfect sense given their personalities. McQuade driving his truck out of a makeshift grave is not something you see every day, and it does fit the character. McQuade himself is a stone-faced callback to Clint Eastwood's nameless gunslinger, but the side characters have a lot of personality, like Dakota, who drawls out all sorts of odd sayings.

Sound

Not much to say about the original score by Francesco De Masi other than it goes bombastic frequently enough but also nods back to Morricone's spaghetti western soundtracks.

Conclusion

Lone Wolf McQuade is very much an 80s action movie. It moves briskly, gives you familiar character types, gives you lots of action sequences, bickering heroes, one-liners, and still manages to work in some surprises every now and then. It's a solid B movie.

“To be with another woman, that is French. To be caught, that is American.”

1988 brought forth a most curious combination of Michael Caine, Steve Martin and Frank Oz. Dirty Rotten Scoundrels is the tale of two conmen, an American and an Englishman, who get into what can only be called a turf war over a small town in the French Riviera where they are working their cons.

Story
Well, the plot is fairly simple. Lawrence Jamieson (Michael Caine) is a classy, urbane con man operating out of the Beaumont sur Mer who runs into the crass, blunt Freddy Benson (Steve Martin) an American con man working his way across Europe. Some time later, Benson arrives in Jamieson’s territory and the two social parasites end up bumping into each other constantly. At first Jamieson tries to drive Benson away by “training” him, but the American is too persistent to let a little lost dignity drive him off. A contest is agreed to. The first one to con $50,000 dollars out of a rich young woman wins and the loser has to leave town. The contest heats up when the wealthy Janet Colgate (Glenne Headly) arrives in town and both conmen begin working on her. Notable side characters include the very clued-in Inspector Andre (Anton Rodgers) and Jamieson’s servant Arthur (played by Ian “Emperor Palpatine” McDiarmid)

Visuals/Effects
Directed by Frank Oz, the film has a steady hand behind it. The scenery is pleasant, bright and sunny, which goes a long way to making the conmen much more likable than professional liars and social predators normally are.

Writing
Written by Dale Launer and Stanley Shapiro & Paul Henning (and basically a loose remake of 1964’s Bedtime Story), the story ambles around at an amiable clip, though the first half (before the bet is made) kind of wanders a bit too far afield. Things pick up quickly when the conmen officially square off against each other. The film has its fair share of great comedic scenes (one of the real standouts being the “Ruprecht” bit), but be aware that this isn’t a knee-slapper. The comedy is more subtle, steadily building and building towards absurdity. The real charm of the movie is watching Caine & Martin play off of each other.

Sound
Original music by Miles Goodman, the soundtrack is entirely suitable to the task of a light, breezy comedy about conmen. Its somewhat reminiscent of Elmer Bernstein’s comedy scores.

Conclusion
Dirty Rotten Scoundrels is a good time. Steve Martin was unstoppable in the 1980s and its always a joy watching Michael Caine chew the scenery. Definitely recommended.


Odd sound effects not actually in the movie, thankfully.

“I’ll live to see you eat that contract, but I hope you leave enough room for my fist because I'm going to ram it into your stomach and break your god-damn spine!”

More Arnoldy goodness. This time its 1987’s The Running Man.

Story
Ben Richards (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is a former cop who was wrongfully convicted of firing on unarmed civilians during a riot. He gets sent to prison, breaks out with some fellow inmates, but when he makes it back to the city, he runs into Amber Mendez (Maria Conchita Alonso), a woman who eventually turns him back over to the authorities because of his reputation. Richards is given over to Damon Killian (the gloriously hammy Richard Dawson), our villain and host of the hit show THE RUNNING MAN (DUN DUN DUN) where convicted felons are given the opportunity to fight their way to freedom through strange levels while being chased by the Stalkers, a bunch of gimmick oriented goons that include: Captain Freedom (Jesse Ventura), Fireball (Jim Brown), Buzzsaw (Bernard Gus Rethwisch), Subzero (Professor Toru Tanaka-- he was a wrestler, I checked) and Dynamo (Erland Van Lidth).

There’s also cameos by Mick Fleetwood & Dweezil Zappa. For some reason.

Visuals/Effects
Directed by Paul Michael Glaser, the movie follows standard 80s action movie principles in visuals. The sci-fi elements lead to a lot of glowing lights and computer screens. As for the costumes…well, that’s where things get really goofy. The jumpsuits for The Running Man contestants are a bit silly, but they pale in comparison to the outfits of the Stalkers. Of particular mention is Dynamo, who is a fat guy who sings opera in a costume made out of LED lights and drives around a go-kart also covered in LED lights.

Writing
Based on the Steven King (under the pen name Richard Bachman) book and screenplay by Steven E. de Souza. I haven’t read the book, but I’m fairly certain that a LOT of liberties were taken. Still, the movie’s fun, we get plenty of Arnold one-liners and its fun waiting for what new craziness awaits around the next corner.

Sound
Original music by Harold Faltermeyer, the score is INCREDIBLY 80s with a lot of electronic cues.

Conclusion
The Running Man is another goofy slice of Arnold-y goodness. Its got a dystopian future setting where convicts fight in an arena that’s like Super Smash TV against a group of bosses that look like rejected He-Man toys. Its great!

“You're a funny man, Sully, I like you. That's why I'm going to kill you last.”

Ah Valentine’s Day. A day for love, romance, chocolates and gettin’ some. A day like today needs something just as sweet and romantic as the spirit of the holiday. Something like 1985’s Commando.

Story
A former special forces agent would like nothing better than to live in his mountain cottage with his daughter and cut lumber, eat ice cream and feed wild deer. Sadly, a deposed foreign dictator wants him to assassinate a political rival and kidnaps the daughter. This does not go according to plan.

Characters
John Matrix: Arnold Schwarzenegger is our one-man killing machine who will shoot the population of a small country to get his daughter back.

Jenny Matrix: A REALLY young Alyssa Milano plays Matrix’s spunky, resourceful daughter who gets kidnapped by the bad guys. So yeah, she’s kind of just a plot device here.

Cindy: Rae Dawn Chong plays a flight attendant/stewardess who gets caught up in all of this madness when Matrix boosts her car (with her in it)

General Arius: Dan Hedaya is the deported dictator of a small island nation who wants Matrix to assassinate his replacement. This really doesn’t go according to plan. He’s got an army of mercenary goons, including Sully (David Patrick Kelly) and Cooke (Bill Duke) that provide little more than speed bumps for Matrix’s bloody revenge.

Bennett: Vernon Wells plays a former member of Matrix’s squad now working as Arius’ second in command. Bennet has…questionable taste in mercenary clothes (he wears a vest with what looks like a hammock sewed on) and a very…passionate desire to kill Matrix.

Visuals/Effects
Directed by Mark L. Lester, the movie is a giant vehicle for action sequences. Ridiculous, over-the-top and thoroughly insane action sequences. It does them well.

Writing
Screenplay by Steven E. de Souza with story by Jeph Loeb, Matthew Weisman and Steven E. de Souza. The plot is goofy as all hell and the dialogue is chock full of Arnold one-liners, and for a movie like this, that is EXACTLY what is needed.

Sound
The original score by James Horner is full of 80’s era driving beats, but also a lot of steel drums. This is both weird and awesome at the same time (which can be said of the movie as a whole, actually).

Conclusion
Pleasures really don’t get much guiltier than Commando. If you want Arnold spouting one liners and single-handedly killing off the equivalent of a small island’s population, this is exactly the movie for you. Its not good cinema. It’s awesome cinema and should be watched alongside Swayze’s Road House.

“It's a moral imperative.”

So apparently one of the major gaps in my childhood was an incredible lack of 1985’s Real Genius in my life. This has been corrected.

Plot
So a teen genius graduates high school early and gets a scholarship to a fancy pants science school. He moves in, feels terribly out of place and meets his roommate, a free spirited genius who takes the kid under his wing as they work on the same project for their professor, a jackass working on a brand new laser that, unbeknownst to the students, is intended for military purposes. Hijinks ensue.

Characters
Mitch Taylor: Gabriel Jarret is our hero, a 15 year old scientific prodigy that gets a scholarship to a prestigious California school that is totally not an analog for Cal Tech. Anyway, he’s a fish out of water, but he finally finds a group of friends that he can relate to, but also a bunch of bullies (genius bullies). Likable enough, but kind of bland.

Chris Knight: A young Val Kilmer chews up the scenery and completely overshadows his new roommate Mitch. Chris is an irreverent academic rebel who refuses to submit to the Man and play by the rules, which explains why he’s kind of old to be a college student (making him sort of like an 80’s genius version of Van Wilder, I guess). Anyway, he gets the lion’s share of the quality dialogue and jokes and is the badass of the film.

Jordan: Michelle Meyrink plays the obligatory love interest, a shy, reclusive and particularly eccentric girl that Mitch takes a liking to.

Professor Jerry Hathaway: William Atherton (the guy who played a jerk in Ghostbusters and Die Hard) plays, guess what? A jerk in this movie. This time around, he’s the professor on campus that’s basically using his students to develop a high powered military grade laser for him so he can get rich off the government contract he has. Typecast or not, the guy’s just so damn good at being an asshole.

Lazlo Hollyfeld: Jon Gries plays the eccentric homeless-looking guy who lives in Mitch & Chris’ closet. That goes from a simple running gag to a reveal that he’s a former genius student at the school who snapped at some point, becoming a wild-eyed recluse living in the dorm’s boiler room.

Kent: Robert Prescott is a student who uses underhanded tactics and asskissing to get in good with Prof. Hathaway. He is a genius who happens to be a bully, though Chris & co. exact a lot of comical revenge on him, like rigging his teeth to be able to receive transmissions from Chris who’s pretending to be God sending messages to Kent.

Visuals/Effects
Directed by Martha Coolidge, the film is a competently shot 80’s comedy with a dose of special effects to reflect the wacky science going on (mostly lasers, but also stuff like somehow flash-freezing the hallway of a dorm in order to skate around). Things move at a nice clip, too, aided by the fact that there are four (I counted) montages scattered throughout. That’s actually a bit excessive, but doesn’t hurt the movie.

Writing
Screenplay/Story credits go to Neal Israel, Pat Proft (from the Hot Shots movies and also having the dubious honor of being one of the writers for the Star Wars Holiday Special. A word of advice: don't watch it), and Peter Torokvei. Like any self-respecting 80’s comedy, its full of one liners and questionable science and the occasional plot details that don’t hold up to close inspection. For instance: what is stopping the military from simply building another satellite if the heroes destroy the first? They’ve got the plans.

Anyway, to the writers’ credit, they avoid making the nerds freakishly maladjusted misfits unable to communicate with other human beings without resorting to stereotypically dense science dialogue all the time. They talk like normal quirky characters in a screwball 80’s comedy, only smarter, which is far better than *coughBigBangTheorycough* other attempts at comedies about geniuses.

Sound
Original music by Thomas Newman which is fine, as well as Tears for Fears’ “Everybody Wants To Rule The World,” Don Henley’s “All She Wants To Do Is Dance” and Bryan Adams’ “One Night Love Affair” among other stereotypically 80s songs.

Conclusion
I liked Real Genius. It’s a fun, harmless and often witty 80s comedy that mostly rides on Kilmer’s personality. Sure, there may be an inordinate number of montages set to music, but whatever, its an amusing movie. Recommended.

Wow, way to spoil the movie, trailer. And ignore the main character.

“Trial by Stone!”

Been a while since we had a fantasy flick in the rotation. 1982’s The Dark Crystal is a good enough way to return to the genre. A high concept Jim Henson film that’s light on humor, big on adventure and featuring a cast of puppets and no human characters, it’s a big tonal shift from the Maven of Muppets.

Plot
Ok, so on an ancient and distant world called Thra (which is very much not Earth because it has 3 suns and no humans), there was a race of beings called urSkeks, who ruled benevolently for centuries until, 1000 years ago, during the Great Conjunction of the suns, they cracked the Crystal of Truth (which gave them their power) and a shard of it went missing. Turns out this was a very bad thing, because the urSkeks split into two new races, the tyrannical, lizard/bird-like Skeksis and the gentle, peaceful and pretty much useless Mystics. The Skeksis hearing a prophecy that they will be undone by a Gelfling (basically elves), decide to genocide their asses to prevent it. (you know, a kids movie).

Unfortunately for the Skeksis, one Gelfling lad is still alive, and raised by the Mystics so that the prophecy can be fulfilled. ADVENTURE! ensues.

Characters
Jen: Performed by Jim Henson and voiced by Stephen Garlick, Jen is our Hero. An orphan raised by the Mystics for whom a great destiny awaits, he’s pretty much your standard fantasy hero. This isn’t exactly terrible, since Jen isn’t smash-your-own-face-in annoying, but he’s also just kind of there. Not bad, but not awesome, I guess is the gist of him. He’s got the missing shard of the Crystal and its up to him to keep it safe.

Kira: Performed by Kathryn Mullen and voiced by Lisa Maxwell, Kira is another Gelfling that Jen stumbles upon along the way. Yes, turns out the Skeksis weren’t actually that efficient in their campaign of genocide. Kira’s a little more experienced in the ways of the world and becomes a useful ally for Jen, and a little more… (well, they are the last two survivors of their people, so its pretty obvious)

Fizzgig: Performed by Dave Goelz and voiced by Percy Edwards, this little fuzz ball is Kira’s pet. He’s okay in my book.

Aughra: Performed by Frank Oz and voiced by Billie Whitelaw, Aughra is a crazy old soothsayer, wise woman and general “keeper of secrets.” Jen is told to seek her out to find out how to save the world, and while he finds her and learns just how much is at stake, he also doesn’t learn as much as he’d like, since the Skeksis’s goons crash the place.

The Chamberlain: Performed by Frank Oz and voiced by Barry Dennen, this guy is the Skeksis the movie follows, and he’s pretty awesome. Not because he’s badass, but because of the opposite. He is a sniveling, weasely douche who makes a claim for the throne when the Emperor Skeksis dies, loses, gets stripped of his rank and exiled, and happens to run into Jen & Kira. You bet its awesome, because he’s just so damn creepy. And he’s got a verbal tic that has him going “hhmmm?” all the damn time, which is both annoying and awesome at the same time. Its not even something you can put in onomatopoeia.

The General: Performed by Dave Goelz and voiced by Michael Kilgarriff, the General is pretty damn badass. After the death of the Emperor, he’s the one who wins the ordeal of Trial By Stone to become the new ruler. He’s also got an army of Garthim at his command, which…well, they’re basically umber hulks. Dude’s hardcore.

Visuals/Effects
Directed by Jim Henson, Frank Oz and (uncredited) Gary Kurtz, the movie is masterfully shot. Not only is it ambitious, but they really work around the limitations of puppets to really make it seem plausible. And the effects have aged very, very, very well. The pacing does slow down a bit in the middle after Jen meets Kira, but its nothing serious.

The overall look of the film was a collaboration between Jim Henson and Brian Froud (who also worked with Henson on Labyrinth) and the world these two built is simply stunning on a conceptual level.

Writing
Story by Jim Henson and screenplay by David Odell, the plot is…well, its nothing complicated and trundles along predictable lines. There’s not a whole lot to Jen & Kira’s characters and the Mystics are, to be honest, really boring. Although this movie also gives us the Skeksis, which are constantly entertaining when they’re on screen because of their decadent villainy. The plot does stray into some pretty dark corners here and there too, which is both pretty cool and creepy at times. This is a good thing, since family movies should never condescend toward the audience.

Sound
The score by Trevor Jones is big, sweeping, majestic and a little eerie. The main theme is incredibly memorable and the whole sound fit’s the movie perfectly. The sound effects are outstanding as well, which is no surprise because it was headed up by Ben Burtt, who’s so good at his job that he can get nominated for sound awards in his sleep.

Conclusion
So yeah, The Dark Crystal is one hell of a film. Its strange, sure, and lacking the lighter tone of the later Labyrinth, the movie tracks its own path to display Henson’s extremely ambitious vision. It gets weird, yes, but it embraces that aspect and avoids ever getting too cheesy, even if it does tread familiar story trails. All of these are good things, especially since a sequel has been rumored for years at this point.