Wednesday, March 03, 2010

“Zardoz speaks to you, His chosen ones.”

This marks the 100th RMWC review (not counting the 31 for Halloween and…well, it sounds better than 132, that’s why!) Let us commemorate this with parades, fanfares, beautiful women throwing flower petals from baskets, and heroic couplets!

You think I'm joking?

Let us celebrate the achievement of this worthy cause
With a film from 1974 called Zardoz!

In some nuclear ravaged future time, where many humans will be dead
There are “Exterminators” who kill in the name of a giant floating head.
Zardoz their god is named, who promotes war not love
And spits up guns for his worshippers from above.
One curious Exterminator sneaks his way inside
To find what secrets his God may have to hide.
He is transported to a “Vortex” where the Immortals dwell
Though to most of them their life is an undying hell
Will our Exterminator bring their utopia to a violent end?
And can this reviewer’s damaged sanity ever mend?

Zed: Sean Connery in a role to distance himself from James Bond,
He clearly succeeded, though of this we’re not fond.
Clad in thigh high boots and a red diaper
This hirsute Scotsman stings eyes like a viper.
His purpose is confusing, his situation surreal,
Though he is quite eager to grab breasts and feel.

Consuella: Charlotte Rampling is of the Immortal science chiefs
And Zed’s sudden appearance is enough to cause fits in her briefs.
Whether revulsion or lust is mostly unclear
His arrival both arouses and fills her with fear.

May: Sara Kestelman is another Immortal of high rank
I’m unsure of her position. She heads a think tank?
She counsels Zed somewhat, giving him information
Though her purpose for doing so I have to question.

Friend: John Alderton is Zed’s keeper, consumed by ennui
He longs for death because he is unhappy
He’s made a “Renegade” for not going to level two;
His body is aged and sent to an old people zoo.

Arthur Frayn: Niall Buggy is the man behind the head
Through twists and turns, we learn he wishes he were dead
He concocts Zardoz as a means to train those who can kill
But his marker drawn face and silly talk just makes him a pill.

Zardoz: Last is our god, the flying head of stone
After we get to Vortex 4 it flies to another zone
Gone from the film, but most certainly not forgotten
Though his pearls of wisdom are certainly rotten.
“The gun is good” and “The penis is evil”
But one thing I’ll say that is immune from upheaval:
Pretentious or not, this fake god has class
And since nobody else is, he’s the movie’s badass.

John Boorman directed Excalibur, which is fondly regarded,
Also made this in a time where his brain must’ve farted.
While competently shot on location in Ireland
The pacing and editing were lost on that island.
Scenes will drag on and on and on interminably
Only to jump cut to some other monstrosity.
The special effects were laughable even at best,
Though admittedly, there is no shortage of breasts.

John Boorman again, and there’s something we can learn
To not do drugs, no matter how much you might yearn.
This convoluted fable of man’s fractured state was
In part based, strangely, on “The Wizard of Oz.”
The dialog is awful, the characters absurd
Its quite laughable, this pretentious turd.

David Munrow provided the original score
And it is appropriate for this cinematic chore.
Trippy and strange is the order of the day,
The soundtrack obliges in its own little way.

This movie is wretched in almost every way
Its images still haunt me to this very day
I advise against viewing this colossal mess
Unless you like imagining Connery in a dress
Not the most unpleasant experience I’ve had, by far,
But this is an ordeal and it WILL leave a scar.

Trust me on this, the trailer is exactly like the movie, only mercifully three minutes long.

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