Monday, December 28, 2009

Bottom Ten Disappointments, 2009 Edition

Well, it’s the end of the year and everybody’s doing their own hyper subjective “best of” lists, and I figure I might as well get in on the action and stroke my own ego while not coming up with genuinely new content like the rest. However, this project looks at movies that are usually more than ten years old. And I’ve already watched a good chunk of them.

Soooo, in the interest of some little bit of variety, here’s the 10 Biggest Disappointments of Year, culled from things that I watched for the first time and for this project, which helps narrow things down. Keep in mind, this is about the biggest "disappointments" and not just the "worst" movies, so that includes stuff that was decent or well made and overhyped, or just didn't tickle my subjective fancy.

So here are the Bottom Ten Disappointments of RMWC's Inaugural Year.

11) Honorable Mention First Knight (1995)
Even though I’ve seen it before, it really is THAT BAD.

10) Son of Dracula (1943)
It’s a very lackluster Universal Horror film that tries, but not hard enough. There’s some great moments, but mostly, you want to pull an MST3K for it. Honestly, I feel kind of bad for picking on it.

9) Laid To Rest (2009)
Honestly, I had managed to forget I had even watched this movie, which is why its not closer to 1. It’s a stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid movie with not very good lighting and detestable characters and a laughably bad villain.

8) Neverending Story II: The Next Chapter (1990)
A dull and mostly disappointing sequel to a fantastic 80s fantasy movie. It lacks any sense of wonder, tosses in a bunch of useless or under-used characters and any potential it has is just squandered. It might not have been able to reach the quality of the first, but at least it could’ve been decent.

7) Invincible Iron Man (2007)
Not the Robert Downey Jr. film, the animated film. Its contrived, the animation isn’t very good in most places, the CGI stands out painfully from the 2-D art and the plot just happens for no real reason. But it does have Iron Man killing a dragon, which actually is pretty cool, but not enough to save it.

6) Superman IV: The Quest For Peace (1987)
Its terrible, but I knew that going in. Its terrible. I mean, really terrible. If you wore a monocle as you watched it, it would fall out of your eye and into your Earl Grey tea in the first moments of the opening credits as you stared in shock. However, this movie is hilariously bad, which at least counts for something.

5) Superman III (1983)
Didn’t know what to expect with this, ended up detesting it by the end. Its not funny, its not exciting and its generally offensively stupid. This is so-bad-its-horrible territory.

4) Superman II (theatrical cut) (1980)
I actually had hopes for this one. A lot of people like it. By the end my hopes had long been dashed and I sat in front of the TV with a mix of rage and depression. Super Saran Wrap? Super Amnesia Kiss?? Massive Plot Holes?? The only good news is that the Richard Donner Cut is infinitely superior to the theatrical.

3) Rachel Getting Married (2008)
Anne Hathaway’s incredibly strong performance aside, this movie is a long, bloated, poorly paced and self-important piece of Oscar-bait that wants you to be aware that it’s a DRAMA that is IMPORTANT! So have some more DRAMA! Then we’ll retire to the parlor for some scones and DRAMA! Plus its set at a wedding that is so absurdly multicultural that you know the planners were New England WASPs.

2) The Mist (2007)
A parade of clichés and two-dimensional characters that I’ve seen in plenty of other stories lots of times over didn’t help the altogether boring plot. The worst part is that it’s a 50s Monster Movie that takes itself WAY too seriously to take seriously. I was so not invested in this movie that I LAUGHED at the ending. LAUGHED because it was IRONIC and OBVIOUS.

1) Snatch. (2001)
I can feel the hatred already. The movie’s got some great visuals and a killer soundtrack, but everyone’s a two-dimensional cutout and it’s a major case of all flash and no substance. The major reason its number one is not because its terrible (its not), but because so many of my friends like and/or love this movie, and honestly, I’m not seeing what they saw. Its number 1 on the list of disappointments because I was actually looking forward to this movie when I sat down to watch it and the anticipated enjoyment DID NOT HAPPEN.

So give a round of sympathy applause for these valiant efforts.

Keyboard Cat, play 'em off the stage.

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