Wednesday, March 25, 2009

What Is And What Should Never Be Remade

Would’ve updated last night, but Venture Brothers Season 3 hit stores. Watched it instead. Good times, but a word of warning; the box isn’t kidding when it says “uncensored.” In addition to the poopy words to be heard, there is also nudity. There are animated dongs. You have been given fair warning.

Speaking of uncensored profanity, the following will contain lots of it.

It was looking like a pretty good week. Busy, but a good week. Then I saw this. And double checked it here.

I hoped it wasn’t true. I really hoped not, but apparently it is and there is a Three Stooges Movie in the works. “Updated for the new Millennium.” Allegedly with Benicio del Toro, Jim Carrey, and Sean Penn as Moe, Curly and Larry respectively.

Fuck. Me. Fuck la mode, as a t-shirt in Quebec once told me. I… I thought I could muster up some words trying to explain why something from the wildly adolescent days of cinema that embodies beautiful, pure, mindless slapstick with such genius SHOULD NOT BE REMADE FOR A NEW MILLENNIUM!!!11!!1!!!!!!ONEONEELEVENTY!!!

There are not enough exclamation points made to express my rage.

First: The original actual Stooges were a product of their time. They translated what was essentially a vaudeville act onto the silver screen. That’s what a lot of comedy teams did then. It was the Depression and it was cheap escapism for people. And it was pure slapstick. The plot was secondary. Wanna know what a Three Stooges plot goes like?

Simple setup: Crooks want to rob a bank, grave robbers want to steal a mummy, a woman’s throwing a party, a guy wants a haircut before his wedding. Random shit like that. The Stooges get involved somehow: They’re hired to do the job, they’re looking for work, they get mistaken for (insert profession here). Hilarity ensues as they proceed to do everything wrong, get in fights with each other, spout one liners, Moe gets really mad, Curly unleashes catchphrases and bad puns and Larry occasionally plays the violin. Pies are frequently involved. The ending features them either: running away, getting killed comically, or (rarest) somehow outsmarting everybody else. Rinse and repeat for any situation you can think of. Three Stooges in Space. Three Stooges playing football. Three Stooges as dog catchers. The Three Stooges foil some Nazi spies. They even had the Three Stooges taking over a country and making fun of Nazi Germany with Moe as Hitler. Yes Really.

The point I think I’m trying to make through the foggy haze of fury is that the Stooges are classics for being what they are when they were made. Larry, Curly & Moe were funny because they WERE Larry, Curly and Moe. Everything was a vehicle for their perfectly delivered lunacy. And the shorts were short, like 7-10 minutes each.

There is nothing, NOTHING in this information that tells me that this is a “franchise” that should be resurrected to hook up to the movie machine to be sucked dry out of every possible penny. What’s other franchise can they resurrect that was popular based solely on the charisma & performance of the original cast? Steve Martin already did terrible, terrible things to the Pink Panther. How about the Marx Brothers? (I’m sure there’s already a script being worked on as I type) Laurel and Hardy? Charlie Chaplain? How about Jack Black as W.C. Fields? Ooo, I know, Buster Keaton! Hey, let's take formerly offensive ethnic stereotype franchises like Amos & Andy and update them for the New Millennium!

Who needs to come up with modern characters that can fill roles through their natural charisma? Let’s just mine the past for ideas that we can ape! It’d be hilarious! So fucking hilarious! AHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAAHAAHAHA!!! LOLLERSKATES!!! ROFLCOPTER!!!!!



Oh god. I have to laugh, otherwise I’d probably get drunk and start bawling my eyes out. Because I sure as hell won’t be laughing when this actually becomes reality.


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