What? Who's talking?

Er, I'm feeling obliged to post something this week before heading out to Chicago on Friday.

So, er, the World Cup's going on, for people who're into the whole "watching the athleticism of others". I don't follow football (no, not that football, I mean futbol) so all I know is Ghana beat the everlovin' snot out of team USA. Probably because in the rest of the world, they take futbol seriously ("murder the referee" seriously), unlike in the US, where minivans and SUVs cart kids home from games where they didn't even keep score, because "everyone's a winner in this game!" Yep, totally can't see why the USA doesn't have that killer instinct in the world's most ubiquitous game. And I don't even like soccer.

Um, that wasn't as long as I planned. Here's some pellet reviews of an arbitrary nature:
Wedding Crashers: Fun movie, felt a little long in places, Vince Vaughan is The Man, and Isla Fischer is gorgeous. Opposable thumb up.
Punisher: Pretty much what I expected, Rebecca Romijin-nolongerStamos is gorgeous, John Travolta didn't irritate me nearly as much as I feared, plus he died a horrible grisly death. Opposable thumb up.
Serenity: Knocked my socks off. Good effects, acting was superior to the Star Wars prequels, the plot didn't bog down too much, makes me want to track down Firefly and actually tune into the sci-fi channel for the first time in years. Two Opposable thumbs up!


Fine, you wanna have a rant?? Here's a rant. You know, Sesame Street's been pissing me off for years now. Forcing the Cookie Monster to cut back on cookies is just...inhumane! That pissed me off, yes, but an even more simmering anger lies beneath my surface. Where the hell is Grover??? All I ever see now is Big Bird & that soul-less freak Elmo. Who in Jim Henson's name is supposed to teach the kids of today the difference between "near" and "far?" Who is going to remind me, at great personal expense and risk, that there is a monster at the end of that book?! Who has a heroic alter-ego?? Certainly not that crimson idiot they're marketing everywhere. If they one day announce "Super Elmo" I will likely throw something through a TV.

And for that matter, whatever happened to whatshisface, Sully, the boring one? Honestly, he was so dull I can't even be sure that was his name. But damnit, he's got a right to have face time too! Ah, let's face it, he probably went and became clinically depressed and slouched off the set one day and was found dead in a hotel room in Yuma City with a bottle of Jack Daniels' Green Label whiskey on his nightstand.

But that two-headed guy who didn't make a lick of sense? He was awesome.

Kung Fu Hustle (And Flow)

Nope. Didn’t see Hustle & Flow, just Kung Fu Hustle, but I couldn’t resist mashing the two titles together. Kung Fu Hustle is a very, very interesting movie. The little advertising tagline on the dvd cover said something like “think Kill Bill meets Loony Tunes,” and, in a way that is true. It’s a very action-oriented movie with a lot of cartoony slapstick thrown in, and a lot of times its funny, but at others, its really kind of disturbing watching those situations using real people. Its hard to be cartoony when the characters bleed and get killed. Anyway, it’s a lot more serious than the cover would have you believe. Where the movie impresses the Hell out of me is in its whole concept and realization. Stephen Chow (the brains and main character behind this flick) has got one hell of an imagination. Kung Fu Hustle combines Chinese & Buddhist culture with 1920s American fashion and style. Its really quite interesting seeing nothing but Chinese actors walking around on retro sets using Tommy Guns. Also, the CG effects were quite good. Not “teh best evar!” but still really impressive (and better than Shaolin Soccer’s). So, final verdict: I dug Kung Fu Hustle, but liked Shaolin Soccer better. Both films are from Stephen Chow, and I’m sold on whatever he’s going to do next. I don’t care what it is, I’ll seek it out.

Also, watching a lightning storm from my rooftop makes me feel badass. That is all.

But its just fiction!

Ok, I thought I had said enough about the bloody DaVinci Code, but something’s just rankling me about the franchise. Ok yes, religious groups have called for a boycott of the movie. Sure, why not, they can do that, no big deal. The response to that has been a loud cry of “but its just fiction, why are you getting all uptight about it? You silly religious people!” That makes me rub my temples for a little bit and sigh. Ok, yes, it is “just fiction.” I think we can all agree on that. However, it is a fictitious novel that bases its claims and information on “facts” that are suspect at best and outright disproved by historical evidence at worst. A non-fiction book, “Holy Blood, Holy Grail,” is given a lot of publicity and credibility by the characters of the book. Characters toss off lines of questionable historical authenticity as though they were common knowledge. So yes, the book is fiction because it revolves around characters that don’t exist (ie. Fictional) in events that didn’t happen (the curator of the Lourve hasn’t been murdered by a crazed albino). Just because a book is fiction, doesn’t mean it can go around contradicting historical facts. Tom Clancy fills his fictional characters with constant realistic touches about military equipment and doctrine. He does his homework meticulously. He doesn’t go around saying that Igor Sikorsky was not the first man to get a helicopter flying reliably.

Let’s get hypothetical. Say I want to write a fiction thriller. Completely fictional characters and plot. Let’s see, some schmuck gets murdered and its up to a, oh, I don’t know, political scientist to solve the crime. Now let’s say that this political scientist, our hero, says in a completely offhand manner, like it was absolutely true, that the Holocaust never happened. And he repeats this several times. No publisher would touch that book. There would be no summer “blockbuster” directed by Ron Howard. How can you possibly defend that kind of writing by saying “But its just fiction”? There is no such thing as “just fiction” and there never was.

Oh My Stars And Garters

So yeah, a little movie called X-Men 3 is out. Setting all kinds of Memorial Day box office records. I’ve seen it myself, and I’ve gotta admit, I’m torn. It wasn’t a bad movie as far as movies go. There was lots of action and explosions and mutant powers all over the place, but…
I came out of the movie feeling divided. Half of the plot/story/movie I really enjoyed, and half of it I absolutely hated. The good news: Ian McKellan’s Magneto is still a spot on charismatic yet ruthless villain. He’s still brilliant, and everything he says is gold. And they really let him go wild with his powers. Patrick Stewart is still the definitive Professor X, but he’s given less to do in this film. Hugh Jackman still owns the Wolverine part, but later on things get odd with him. I really enjoyed the Beast in the film. Much more than I expected to. Kelsey Grammer did an excellent job with him. The FX were also really, really good and there was lots of it, and there were a lot of fun little moments that brought a smile to my face.
But… (and I’ve been using those three dots a lot in connection with this movie) there was a lot of stuff in the movie that just felt off/wrong/dumb. The whole “Phoenix” plot I felt was completely mishandled and basically botched. Not good, considering that’s considered one of the best X-Men stories ever. Cyclops doesn’t do much at all in the movie, and Jean Grey kind of wanders around in a daze wearing a mopey/angry expression most of the time. A storyline that easily could’ve made a great movie in itself was completely wasted by being jammed into this one. But…the ending of X-2 kind of shoehorned the Phoneix storyline into this movie. The Cyclops stuff really did piss me off though, since he’s been my favorite mutant since forever, and I think that he’s just been completely mishandled in the movies anyway, but this was just a stupid use for him (and one that cripples the Phoenix plotline in the movie too). Halle Berry as Storm is still dull, dull, dull to watch. I didn’t mind her in X-1, I liked her in X-2, for some reason, I couldn’t stand her performance in this movie. And her haircut just made me giggle. Wolverine. Remember I said I liked Jackman’s portrayal, but the way the storyline panned out, they were giving him lines that were completely out of character. By the end of the movie I was sitting there thinking “Great, they’re writing Wolverine as Cyclops now. They why do (spoiler) to Cyclops?” Rogue disappears for most of the movie after being involved in a weakly played out love triangle that didn’t get enough time to develop. There’s not enough Colossus, though we do get the fastball special. Shadowcat’s just kind of there. Iceman has some great moments but is also underused. Oh yeah, and there’s no explanation for why Nightcrawler’s missing. They just never mention him. Juggernaut is not nearly the threat he should be, getting used for laughs instead of the unstoppable force he should be. Angel was barely in it, so I’ll barely mention him.
I’ll repeat. There were a lot of great little moments in the film. Unfortunately, there were a lot more big moments that fell flat for me, as both story afficionado and fanboy. The “Cure” plotline was great, and would’ve made for a great movie in itself that built up from the previous two. The “Phoenix” plotline should’ve gotten the full movie treatment it deserved and not been shoved in just because. The movie was rushed into production by the studio, changed directors at least once and is overall the weakest installment of the three X-Men movies. Its not a franchise killer like Batman & Robin. There are no rubber nipples in sight, but still, the X Movie franchise is starting to wobble disconcertingly. Of course if things go really south for them, they could just do what the new Superman movie is doing. Ignoring Superman 3 & 4 like they never happened. And a retcon (comic industry term) like that is probably the best chance we have of getting a Good Phoenix Saga movie.

Does Whatever A 2nd Unit Can...

Ok, so today (Monday) turned into a pretty pleasant day. Drove downtown in the afternoon to check out the filming of Spider-Man 3. A sizable stretch of East 9th St. was closed off and transformed into a makeshift New York City. Anything identifying Cleveland was taken down in the cordoned off areas, and stuff like signs for Columbia University were put up. Regular pedestrians (like myself) were allowed to walk along the street (since the stores and companies were still open for business), we just had to stay out of certain areas and couldn’t cross the street at times when the cars were driving by. They were rehearsing a quick driving scene when I was there. A station wagon drove along and pulled to a quick stop at an intersection, the camera truck made a big swerve (as if to avoid hitting something) and the extras along the street acted surprised and shocked. It was actually very cool to watch, and they rehearsed it a couple of times. Sometimes with a taxi involved, sometimes with some other cars. They even had a truck drive by and wet down the pavement to make it look like it rained or something. I don’t think I’m spoiling anything important to the movie. However, I feel invested in the movie now. I’m gonna be going into the theater and keeping my eyes open for it. Oh yeah, spoiler alert: There was a guy with a saxophone. Hope I didn’t ruin the movie for you. Don’t believe me?



Pure Hollywood magic, baby.

Annual Rituals and Such

100 Girls is one fun little movie. If you haven’t heard of it, don’t sweat it; most people haven’t. Its not particularly well known, and didn’t do too well when it came out in 2000. But, if you haven’t seen it yet, I do recommend tracking it down. Basically the plot boils down to the story of Matthew, a college Freshman in search of his kismetic destiny after a one night stand in an elevator in a blackout. To do that, he’s got to go through an entire dorm full of women to find the one of his dreams, exploring the wacky nature of relationships. And there’s a lot of sex jokes along the way. I think its funny and watching it has become something of an annual ritual for me.

A little context might explain. I was introduced to this movie sophomore year of college at a time when there was a whole mess of drama going around and this movie just kind of put everything on hold for a little. It also provided more than its share of inspiration with the climactic soliloquy Matt gives to a dorm full of women expressing his love. It turns out, doing something similar doesn’t necessarily work in real life, but it sure is a confidence boost. What can I say? It was springtime, love was in the air…

But I digress. Ever since then, our little circle of college buddies has been quoting that movie and watching it annually whenever possible. Its not perfect, its probably not a classic, but damn if its not entertaining, and makes me sad that flicks like American Pie can spawn franchises while stuff like 100 Girls fades into near obscurity.

April 16 (Happy Easter)

So I've got this hyperactive imagination that kicks in when I see something a little odd. You know those bumper stickers that say "Jesus is my Co-pilot"? Those are kind of odd aren't they? I mean, you kind of worry what would happen if the driver of that car were to all of a sudden take their hands off the wheel and let Jesus have a go for a while. It seems a little arrogant to think that Jesus would manifest himself in physical form to help you drive your car just so you can take your attention off the road to look for old Hardees wrappers. But then I got to thinking, what if Jesus really was driving with me, what kind of car would it be? I've decided that it would be one of those hot rod convertibles, probably white with red flame work. You know, Jesus would call me up in the afternoons, ask if I wanted to go to Arby's, and I'd say "Hell yes, I want to go to Arby's with Jesus!", and Jesus would be like "Sweet mang, I'll be waiting for chu outside," and he'd honk his horn from my driveway. Then I'd be like, "Oh you!" and I'd go outside and wave to him. I'd Say "Hey Zeus!" See, if we hung out all the time, I'd call him Zeus, since we'd be buddies and he'd get the irony of the play on the Hispanic pronunciation of “Jesus” which, if I have to explain it, isn't nearly as funny. So as I'm saying "Hey Zeus!" as I'm walking out to his car, he'd be smiling back at me, wearing some big aviator shades. Then he'd hit the hydraulics on his car. Vwww Vwww. So then I'd get in the car and we'd go cruising around town, we'd go to Arby's and order at the drive thru window, get some roast beef sandwiches and curly fries with root beer. The root beer's for me. I'm not quite sure what Jesus would drink, but it wouldn't matter, since he could transubstantiate it into whatever he wanted. And then, when we got about a block away, I'd look at my roast beef sandwich, and be like, "That's not what I ordered," and Jesus would look at me, wink and say "Oh yes it is," and I would look and say "Thanks Zeus!" Some of you are going, "I don't know about this. It seems blasphemous." and you're waiting for the lightning bolt to strike me, but come on, don't you think Jesus would be totally sweet to hang out with on the weekends. I mean, he'd probably be all generous and make a coffee table for you, and you'd be like, "Aww, Zeus, you shouldn't have." But he'd say, "You could use it my friend," and that would be the end of that debate, since he'd be right about the coffee table, since I could use one, but I didn't want to impose on him. Then we'd probably drive off to the park and play Frisbee golf, or something like that.

April 13 (Anybody Want a Peanut?)

Its funny, I don’t think I can name a single person under the age of 30 right now who doesn’t love “The Princess Bride.” If there’s one movie my generation unquestioningly loves, that’s got to be the one. The worst I’ve heard about it is that someone heard from someone else that they thought only girls like that movie. But no, it is no chick flick. Oh sure, there’s romance and kissy stuff, but they cover that in a very meta sort of way in the framing sequences. The movie just has so much else going on that its impossible to pin it down to one gender demographic. Its got swordfights, razor sharp dialogue, rats of unusual size, peril, magic, death, miracles, footage of a Commodore 64 game on camera, shrieking eels, Columbo, Fred Savage and Andre the Frickin’ Giant. I never watched wrestling back in the day, but even I knew who Andre the Giant was. Seriously, what Transformers watchin’ kid is going to turn down watching Andre the Giant in his finest cinematic role ever? I didn’t think so.
And the movie’s aged really well, all things considered. Oh sure, some of the effects might look a little lame now (I’m looking at you giant rat) but overall its not bad in the context of when it was made. Bet you didn’t know the soundtrack was by Mark Knopfler, better known from Dire Straits (No, that’s not something I naturally know, it was on the DVD bonus features) Hell, if there were more “chick flicks” like this out there, male/female relations would be set forward 300 years or so.
Damn, all this writing about the movie just makes me wanna go watch it. Inconceivable!

Bamboo-zled (see, its supposed to be a pun...oh never mind)

Nothing much going on around these parts right now. Its starting to snow again in Ohio after a ludicrously pleasant January. Of course, being February, there isn't much for the sexy single male (or me) to do except batten down the hatches in preparation for the oncoming rush of Valentine's Day melancholy. Well not this year, ya hear me? This year I'm gonna be single and enjoy the hell out of myself on February 14th! Granted, I don't know what I'm going to be doing, but whatever, details!

Ok then, in other news, I saw 'House of Flying Daggers' tonight, a Chinese film about medieval tragic love and swordfightin'. I'll keep this short, so the rundown is this: There's a whole bunch of plot twists that I shouldn't spoil, the cinematography is absolutely gorgeous, it tends to drag in a few places, and there's fightin'. The fightin' I'll talk about because those are some of the best artistic scenes. There's an absolutely surreal sequence where an army of guys attacks the main characters in a bamboo forest (hence the title of this update). This is the only way I can really sum that fight up. Imagine that Cirque du Soleil went berserk and started throwing sharpened bamboo staves at the audience. It would kind of be like that. The other standout sequence is the duel at the end between two guys who are very, very pissed at each other, and then it starts snowing. Its epic, its got heart, and damn if it doesn't look cool.

Oh yeah, and there certainly are daggers thrown about with a vengeance in this movie.

Twas beauty killed the beast

Ok, so today was dental doomsday for my wisdom teeth. Didn't have anything to eat or drink from 10 PM last night till well after the surgery. As a result, I had some really weird dreams. I slept on the couch (where I'll be sleeping for the next couple of days) and every single damn dream took place there. In one I was trying to sleep on a couch and a lyger walked in and tried to climb on my couch, and I was like "No, you can't climb up on here, get your own couch." So it did. In another dream, I thought I was awake since I turned my head to see what was on TV. Whatever it was, I was enjoying the show, and felt very glad to have woken up and looked at the tv. The I woke up for real, looked over to the very much off television, and ironically noted that I was not glad I woke up and looked at the TV. The appointment was for 8 AM today, and got there withouth any problems.
I was taken to the surgery room and hooked up to blood pressure monitors and some other stuff. Then they hooked me up to an IV (not the Roman numeral 4) which was how the anesthesia was pumped into me. At first, I didn't feel anything different, then a minute or two later I starting to get dizzy. The last words I said before falling unconscious was "Yeah, I'm starting to feel it now."
20 or so minutes later I woke up in a recovery room (with no idea how I got there) and all I could remember from the surgery was I think a few drill sounds, so I was out cold. Anyway, I woke up slap happy and numb in my lower jaw from Novocaine that was pumped in there to make sure I didn't feel anything in the lower teeth. So there I was, groggy, shoeless and with stitches in my mouth (which will dissolve in a couple of days. Ginchy) and gauze in my mouth to absorb a lot of the blood. After I had reached enough stability to walk (and a reload on gauze), my dad drove me home. I watched television in a slightly dazed state, took a few pain killer & antibiotic induced naps (without the funky-cool dreams of last night).
Then I finally saw King Kong. No, not Peter Jackson's current flick. No not the God-awful 1970s Dino DeLaurentiis version, but the ORIGINAL giant monkey (yes, I know he's an ape, but dammit, monkey is just so much more fun to say) movie of the old millenium. I must say, I was incredibly impressed with the flick. It had pacing, no wasted scenes, wanton destruction, and hot monkey vs dinosaur action. Oh yeah, and Kong felt up the (then gorgeous) Fay Wray. You know you wanna see that out of morbid curiosity alone.
Tonight I also saw King Arthur for the first time (the recent one, with Clive Owen, that Welshman Ioan who's last name I can't pronounce who played Reed Richards, and the damn sexy Keira Knightly). I know the movie basically tanked in theatres, which is a damn shame since it really did offer a refreshing look at the Arthurian Legends. Keep in mind that I'm an Arthurian fanatic and very picky about any movie involving people with swords, arrows, axes and that oh-so shiny armor (Damn you Oliver Stone and Wolfgang Peterson). Anyway, I thought it was pretty cool working some of the Arthur characters into what historians know about Roman-Britain in late antiquity. (Here Arthur is a Romano-Britain in command of a unit of Sarmatian auxiliary cavalry, a people renowned for their horsemanship and for service in far flung outposts of the Empire). And they took a really interesting track with the Lancelot-Guenevere-Arthur love triangle by, well, killing off Lancelot in the climactic battle (again, they weren't trying to go for the traditional Medieval Romance version of the story but one based in late Antiquity). That and its got Keira Knightly in it. This is always a good thing.